Mar 13, 2020
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Even this Friday the 13th can seem pretty lucky compared to the rest of this week, or next...
David Waldman self-isolates to that secluded area over by the toaster oven to bring us today’s dispatch:
The coronavirus pandemic is Trump’s Chernobyl, maybe ours.
The reality is hitting the Capital hard now as their soirees have become imperiled.
It was only last week when Donald Trump assured us that COVID-19 was only one miracle away from disappearing, but now he’s treating it like it’s “some big emergency”. In between, Donald tried ignorance, denial, suppression, and lying, but as usual those solutions have come up short. Trump became so desperate, he even tried reading out loud on live TV.
So then the call went out to our hero, Jared Kushner, who in turn called up his brother’s father-in-law, who went on Facebook… Don’t worry, they’ve got this!
Rugged individualist Fox watchers have rushed out to buy gold and eat silver. (Really, people do that.) (Don’t.) Fox nimbly executed the quick flip from “It’s a HOAX!” to “It’s a CONSPIRACY!”, but Republicans are still stuck straddling the two. Susan Collins laid the groundwork to make this all possible. So what could we do? China has a great deal on some used ventilators.
Did you know that nobody liked Mike Bloomberg much?