May 18, 2020
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Silver linings—we now have more uninterrupted time on Mondays to listen David Waldman and Greg Dworkin. And, a little break from the office brings us a little closer to our neighbors.
In other good news, Eric Trump has finally sleuthed out Obama’s COVID hoax. A Florida man comes down with a bad case of the hoax, but is certain his wife forgives him.
A second wave of hoax hits China with 100 million going into lockdown. Sweden aimed for the perfect balance between death and profit, but missed by a bit, lowering their life expectancy by a few years. The US Medicare eligibility age might have to drop just to find people alive to qualify.
Former hedge fund manager, convicted felon, and everlasting schmuck Martin Shkreli offered to cure us all if he was only allowed access to his fiancee’s secret Manhattan antiviral research laboratory, but you know how judges are.
Hey! Get ready for the summer fun season sweeping the nation! It feels great in Georgia! At least, as far as they know. In Texas, coronavirus cases and deaths keep going up, and also, they aren’t at all, as far as the local news can tell. People flock to the beaches, where they know it’s safe! Of course, no one knows. Wisconsin knows it made a mistake.
Congress has dropped a couple trillion on the coronavirus crisis, and has really been considering keeping track of where that money goes.
Trump supporters trust Donald to never do a thing, if first he isn’t completely convinced that it is the white thing to do. Joe Biden is ahead in national polls, state polls, and Chris Cillizza’s an idiot.
Michael Flynn is a spy, and William Barr’s attempt to spring him is backfiring. Susan Collins is concerned that Donald might not have learned his lesson.
Meanwhile, turning off the AC in malls imparts a refined patina on fine leather goods.