Fri, 24 July 2020
Kagro in the Morning welcomes the new Washington Football Team and their new mascot, “Mascot”. Goooo “Team”!
David Waldman also celebrates the return of the celebrated author of The Tribalization of Politics: How Rush Limbaugh's Race-Baiting Rhetoric on the Obama Presidency Paved the Way for Trump, Ian Reifowitz. (The book that makes a great back-to-school gift!)
Donald Trump retreats from Jacksonville, his no-doubt stubby little tail between his legs, because Republicans are afraid of catching the sniffles. Too bad, it looked like it was going to turn into a real Klanbake, except without anyone as woke as say... Calvin Coolidge.
When someone says “both sides are just as bad”, what they are trying to tell you is, that they have determined that they are better than everyone else. They might be. But, never let anyone compare Democrats with Republicans, because there really is no comparison.
Nothing brings down neighborhood crime like a parade of jackboots, and Donald Trump purports to plan to send tens of thousands of pairs to certain Democratic strongholds in certain swing states around a certain election season. Steven Miller says troops should, in fact, be greeted as liberators, if they know what’s good for them. Steven Miller’s grandmother won’t have Steven dirtying her sofa during the holidays anymore. On the sad side, it’s because she died of COVID-19, so the rest of the Millers will still have to look at him.
Immigration, healthcare and various other problems will also be fixed in the next 9 days.
Michael Cohen was put into solitary confinement to shut him up about Donald Trump. Now, he’s being released from prison to shut him up about Donald Trump. Vladimir Putin is probably wondering whatever happened to all of our 5th floor windows.
Matt Gaetz improperly sent tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars to a limited liability company linked to a speech-writing consultant who was ousted from the Trump administration, who will soon be introduced as his son.
Ohio House Speaker Larry Householder laundered a $60 million bribe to shift billions of dollars to individuals around payday-loan, coal, and nuclear interests. That is the what it took for him to get caught. Imagine what he did on his way to working up to that score.
Thu, 23 July 2020
A person, woman, man, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin.
Donald Trump remembered five things once, purportedly, and he’ll never let us forget it. If only more people’s memories were better before 2016, we’d have long forgotten Donald Trump by now. Now, Republicans climb over each other trying to find the way out. Unfortunately, Donald is on the top of that pile, kicking them in the head.
Goon squads fan out across the US. A little “urban security” in just the right swing-state cities and Donald Trump won’t have to “refuse to leave”. Come 2021, Trump will still be there, totally legally, or legally enough. What are you going to do about it, arrest him? Or, arrest his goons, whomever they might be? Why look, there’s head goon Chad Wolf standing right there, breaking the law right now. Slap the cuffs on him, why don’t you? Pick up the goon ahead of him while you’re there. They’re all accomplices, right? You better not miss any, it’s goons from top to bottom. What—are you afraid? Does your mother have to go in there for you? Just look at what Donald Trump can get away with, with only a tiny number of idiots in all of the right places.
On second thought, don’t bug your mom. She has a tough enough time figuring out what to do about school this year. Everyone does. Data shows that coronavirus infections are much higher than the reported cases. Of course, a reason for that is because of the cases not being reported, or mishandled or misinterpreted. You don’t need numbers if you are in the middle of it, though.
Wed, 22 July 2020
The long-awaited KITM house band began to take form with today’s in-show delivery of an actual piano, which of course, went as smoothly as expected. Hey, regular listeners to David Waldman expect a little hubbub in the background, as much as they expect Greg Dworkin’s thrice weekly informative cross-talk and polls. No one will be disappointed.
Donald Trump’s new tone is still flat. Only it’s the same old tune, and there’s no encore. Well, Donald wouldn’t mind another duet with Ghislaine Maxwell. (They are kind of soul mates, you know.) But Trump can tell you, COVID-19 is death for ratings, and there is much excitement nobody has yet contemplated that needs to be very strongly addressed in the next two weeks. For instance, federal troops have to be called to end the scourge of uppityness flaring up in Detroit and Chicago, and Ukraine. However, moms know best. And, no one in any town is going to let them touch their mom!
Coronavirus doesn’t care. People have assessed the risk and know to mask it or casket. Winn-Dixie will no longer cater to the stupid customer. Three quarters of voters know the way to go is not the way they are going and plan to do something about it in November (or sooner). Even undecided voters have kind of decided.
Republicans are in disharmony… disarrangement if you will. Kansas Republicans’ hearts just aren’t in it, leaving Democrats to raise money for jerk, grifter, Republican Kris Kobach. In turn, Republicans put time, money and John Kasich to work for Joe Biden. It’s a crazy world.
The two rich old white loons that pointed guns at protesters now have felony charges, and plenty of rich old white loon fans. There is one less misogynistic racist psychopath on earth. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez discovered a few things about Ted Yoho’s mental stability.
Real estate salesman Donald Trump hoped to get back on top of the big board with the help of the American ambassador to Britain, but fell a bit short. Republican Steve Watkins can show you three felony charges that prove the existence of voter fraud.
Tue, 21 July 2020
David Waldman is out, but not out of stories to share! David couldn’t bear to leave us empty-eared, so he burned the afternoon oil at KITM World Headquarters to produce a special pre-recorded show for today!
Do you reside in a city with a federal building or property, maybe a post office? Do you disagree with Donald Trump’s handling of… anything? Are you insufficiently loyal? Then, you might be excited to hear that Ken Cuccinelli has a van with your name on it. Actually, the van has no name on it, and the guys climbing out will be masked with no identification, all adding to the excitement for everyone. Even if you are the shy, retiring type, Q-shirt volunteers will have their ears to the ground in every neighborhood, trained to root out baby cannibals like you and me. The whole operation isn’t quite up to Russian standards as yet, but that ambition is certainly present here, today.
Democratic leaders are asking the FBI for an urgent briefing on members of Congress being targeted by a foreign operation, employing known tool Ron Johnson.
Before you are disappeared, you might want to first consider whether or not you want to send your child into one of the largest unregulated experiments ever conducted. If you are rich... well, there’s a lot of things you don’t have to consider, because if public schools aren’t private enough for you, and neither are private schools, there’ll always be your money to fix things. If you are medium-rich, you still have online learning, sort of. If your child is not white, that might lead to jail, however.
Ritchie Torres is not white. In fact, he is expected to be the first openly gay Afro-Latino man in Congress. Congress is literally not ready for someone both Black and Latinx, as Torres can’t join both the Black and Hispanic caucuses.
You knew that Ailes and O'Reilly weren’t the end of it over at Fox News. Maybe, soon, the rape and sexual violence there will taper off, now that there’s a lawsuit on Ed Henry for rape and the current top talent on harassment. With those guys gone, it will cut in half the security demands for the Republican convention.
Mon, 20 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin, disquisition and persiflage, weather and traffic on the 10s:
Then, Fox News grandpa wandered into Fox News. What was he thinking? Donald Trump couldn’t walk out of Fox News when he had something to prove. Fox News couldn’t throw softball questions at Trump when they had something to prove. But—had Donald chose this moment to announce his new VP choice, none of Trump’s little gaffes would be a concern today.
Meanwhile, unmarked cars, with unidentified abductors, kidnap people to unidentified locations. They warn witnesses that if they follow, they will be shot. In the United States of America. Trump is attempting in Portland what he plans for all of us, to motivate us all to switch from paint cans and water bottles over to molotov cocktails and IEDs. Some day, they’ll erect statues to the real heros.
The COVID-19 pandemic is here. BORING! Donald Trump searches for fun elsewhere. He’d rather not talk about it, and would prefer the CDC stayed quiet as well. Others can’t leave the subject, or their hospital beds for that matter. Older children spread coronavirus as well as adults, and work longer hours. Teachers will need to wear masks, sheilds, caps, and should update their wills.
Science marches on. Oxford and AstraZeneca might have a vaccine that increases antibodies and immunity. The Lancet describes phase 1 & 2 trials of vaccines that are both safe and effective—the two things you’d want in a vaccine! Almost too good to be completely true, a scientist has developed a paint that kills coronavirus on contact, wiping out the virus for months... like Raid for COVID… or maybe it’s like Teflon, and the viruses just slide off?
People on the front lines are creating new solutions every day, such as this paramedic’s innovative way to communicate with hard of hearing patients while wearing a face mask.
Former DOJ attorney John Yoo resurfaces, disappointing those who hoped he was a bit more absorbent than buoyant. Yoo says Trump has gone too far… No wait, John has a book coming out, and Trump’s the Good Guy, therefore the Supreme Court are the Baddies. Then there’s Allen West! Say no more.
The good news is Joe Biden, and there’s nothing Donald Trump can do about it. The election is closer than you think, although everybody on Earth wouldn’t mind it a little sooner. Including John Kasich!
Fri, 17 July 2020
What can David Waldman tell you that you don’t know already? Let’s find out!
Government Secret Police kidnap citizens in Portland, Oregon, thus hindering the regular police activity of indiscriminate brutality… or probably enhancing it. In fact, there are so many boogaloo army wannabes flooding the area, that “graffiti vandals” had to be upgraded to “antifa soldiers” just to meet the demand.
Then there’s COVID-19... or not, as it is becoming illegal to know such things anymore. Gimmetarian game show host Chuck Woolery found out the hard way… which is the only way he’d ever learn. Florida’s emergency operations center dies from COVID. Governor Brian Kemp wrests Georgian’s life jackets away and throws victims overboard. Almost 40% of Americans are stupid enough to trust Donald Trump on the pandemic.
It’s no mystery—COVID-19 is not the flu, and kids are catching it. A second strain might be more infectious, but that might not matter. Russians are in such a hurry for a vaccine, they aren’t waiting for Donald trump to slip them a copy.
Justin Amash was so sick of Republicans, that quitting the party wasn’t enough for him. How many felonies does Kansas Representative Steve Watkins have to commit before people will see the threat of voter fraud?
Thu, 16 July 2020
It’s Thursday on KITM, and David Waldman welcomed Greg Dworkin for the third time this week, only to discover in a shocking twist that Greg was always cake.
“Executive underreach” is not the term for what Mike Pence does in Trump staff meetings… it actually describes how demagogic populists like Donald Trump weaken the countries they occupy, in order to strengthen their hold over them. That’s why Trump won’t help even Gop governors—because no one is on Team Trump other than Donald Trump. Congresswoman Elissa Slotkin discovered that Donald Trump is the enemy of democracy, and believes she might have been the first to notice. (She is not.) In fact, Donald has been giving Vladimir Putin the ol’ executive underreach for quite some time now, by pushing the CIA to pass intelligence to Russia that could be used to assassinate Chechen dissidents in Europe, while taking no action as Russia armed the Taliban and trained jihadis in Syria.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt thought he was King Stitt, trolling Libs without a mask or social distancing, but he was a just another stupid Stitt at Trump’s Tulsa rally, and a lazy Stitt at that, who would rather pull a trigger than put effort and responsibility into protecting his family. A few more rallies and there should be no more Stitts to give.
America knows what to do about coronavirus, but is failing to do it. Hospitals in Texas, Arizona and Florida are filling up to capacity. Almost one-third of Florida children have tested positive for the coronavirus. Even California has let infections slip upward. The White House plans to kill the messenger, which may or may not really work, but it should give some lunatics a foothold.
Have you noticed that Donald Trump doesn’t spread out the electoral map for everyone to gaze upon, anymore? In fact, Trump’s setting records for bad news polling in just about every category. Republicans are even embarrassed to be Republicans anymore. Joe Biden’s polls have passed 50% as Joe opens up an 11 point national lead, 14 points with seniors! But you know what? It would be so much like Trump to just win anyhow, just to troll everybody… So, keep up the effort, and find ways to add to the lead. Don’t pretend you’re 10 points down, run like you are in the final sprint for a win.
Wed, 15 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin hope you have had the balmiest of St. Swithun’s Days today.
You know that nightmare where you’re back at school, but you’re only wearing underwear and you’re about to transmit a debilitating disease to your mom? Same! Texas teachers are living the nightmare, writing out their wills before the fall. Voters do not support forcing schools to open. Voters do not support Gop Governors handling of COVID-19. Voters do not support Gop Senators handling of COVID-19. Voters do not support Donald Trump’s handling of anything.
Israelis have already reopened their schools and have a lot to teach us about how we should not be reopening our schools.
COVID-19 deaths are jumping up in those states that you might have guessed would be especially susceptible, even if you made your guess a hundred years ago or so. Decedents of the Confederate states still hiding out in Brazil like antebellum cosplay, coronavirus infections, and no-mask freedoms about as much as their red state cousins.
Those who have worked at the CDC assure us that no president has ever politicized science the way Trump has. The CDC hasn’t seen nothing yet, and if Trump gets his way, never will. If you can think of a way Donald Trump could care less, drop him a note, he might be interested in that. Otherwise, he is laser-focused on two objectives: watching the world burn, and burning the world, and he isn’t about to leave until he is finished. Donald Trump is finished, by the way. The nickname Donald can call Smiling, Uncle, Cup o’ Joe Biden is “Winning”.
Coronavirus might be transmitted to you in the air, 2 days after an infected person was in the area. Scientists aren’t sure if it can open doors or use a weapon, yet. One thing is certain, Kanye West can’t save us now.
Tue, 14 July 2020
The Trump “administration” has left the schools, like everybody else, twisting in the wind, and just winging it with their plans for the fall. Will they be defunded? Or will they get even more funding? Or are they just offering “more funding” so they can take that funding away and call it defunding? Why bother finding out? Let’s just have chaos and burn all our money!
Of course, we could all go back to what we were doing if there was a vaccine. But what if there was a vaccine, but no little glass bottles to put them in? Or what if there was a vaccine and lots of little bottles, but no syringes to inject them with? Don’t sweat it! Trump’s giving the contract to make hundreds of millions of syringes to two companies who don’t make syringes, or have never made anywhere near so many. (Oh, and we still don’t know if there really is immunity to be had, or how long it lasts.)
Trump and paperwork, man! Judge Amy Berman Jackson heard the news about Stone’s commutation of sentence, but she demanded to see the paper. It might (maybe) just do the trick, but of course, it was a little hinky.
Did you lose your job during the COVID-19 pandemic? Ivanka Trump says you should find a new one. Why didn’t we think of that?
Trump sentences himself to 10 years in prison. (Ten bucks says he screws up his own pardon.)
Joan McCarter dropped by to assure us that all is pretty much as expected. That is, the enhanced Unemployment Insurance program barely keeping people afloat (if that) during the pandemic is set to expire in just 11 days. And Congress isn’t coming back for another five. Meanwhile, that other program meant to keep people afloat isn’t doing the trick, either.
A lot of us are having difficulty keeping ourselves occupied during our social distancing. But not Portland, OR! They’re fully occupied. And soon, hospitals around the country can look forward to the same!
Mon, 13 July 2020
Did you hear the latest on KITM today? You didn’t? Well, no one did, because the live feed didn’t make it on the air today. Not to worry, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin record all of this stuff, and are happy to share!
Donald Trump told you that the 15 coronavirus cases in the US would be down to zero, and so far he’s been absolutely correct. On Sunday, Florida alone reported 15,300 new cases in one day. There will be plenty more cases and more denials to come. There will never be a second wave if this one doesn’t go away. Some are catching COVID-19 for a second time already. Some will catch it more times than that. Some only needed to catch it one time.
Oh wait, there is a welcome wave carving through the sunbelt… a huge blue wave! It’s sweeping through individual states and across the big beautiful electoral college map. People have preferred to identify as “non-racist”, “non-lunatic”, and “non-moronic” lately. In fact, that Washington football team also decided to not identify “that way” anymore, after 87 years, following a similar moral epiphany.
Fri, 10 July 2020
There might be some that think we’re getting over the COVID-19 pandemic. Those people don’t live in the sunbelt… or if they do, they may not for long. Arizona Is #1! (Bahrain Is #4) But don’t count out South Carolina, or Mississippi, or Georgia, or Texas, or Florida, all contending for Hell on Earth status this weekend. David Waldman crunches the numbers into fine... bleak, depressing… granules.
68% have shown coronavirus antibodies in a Queens clinic. Data like that could have been useful, had Sweden recorded it at their schools. Right now, we can only guess the number of children and teachers we would need to kill, before we can get back to normal. A Christian summer camp pre-infected 82 of their kids before their start of school.
A new "unknown pneumonia" that is potentially deadlier than the novel coronavirus has reportedly killed more than 1,700 people this year in the Central Asian country of Kazakhstan. Then there’s the plague.
In non-pandemic news:
Some in Portsmouth, N.H., feared that if they held a Trump rally, Donald Trump might show up at it. Whoop! It was already canceled do to “weather concerns”… (They were concerned “weather” people would actually attend, heh.)
Justice keeps prevailing. Michael Flynn, spy, hasn’t quite escaped yet. Deutsche Bank has been fined $150 million when departed billionaire Jeffrey Epstein inspired New York courts to follow the money. Donald Trump has lost a couple of times in the Supreme Court on revealing his taxes, but that isn’t the game he’s playing. Trump tried to take out future Colonel Alexander Vindman, but failed. Oklahoma hoped to steal land from Native Americans, but could not.
Thu, 9 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin present another KITM Back-to-School special:
Elementary schools, renown for their history of ringworm and lice infection mitigation, will be expected to tackle COVID-19 on about the same budget. Donald Trump loves schools like a father loves a son—happy to see them die if they doesn’t follow his orders, and if Trump has told you .01 times, he’s told you a million times, he’s just not up to this.
Republicans, immune to shame, will not be explaining how your kids will stay healthy this school year. The American Academy of Pediatrics informs us that it’s easy, once we first eliminate coronavirus. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines are TLDR! for Donald, and so the CDC intends to remove the hard stuff and add some compliments. Dr. Anthony Fauci shows us that Trump doesn’t have to fire people he can ignore. Dr. Trump also reminds us that while testing is a known cause of COVID-19, fake testing will allow hydroxychloroquine to cure COVID-19. Scientists have seen evidence of brain damage and hallucinations with even mild Covid-19 Coronavirus infection, but can’t really explain how Trump has displayed symptoms for so long.
Schools in non-Trump countries have been more successful.
New Jersey will require people to wear masks outdoors. Mississippi legislators have discovered just how democratic pandemics can be. The Houston convention center canceled the Republican Party of Texas' in-person convention, giving attendees only days to talk their kids into turning on their computers.
Jared Kushner thought he could kick back a few months on replenishing masks and PPE, but it turns out that this son-in-law gig was a lot tougher and longer than he anticipated. Most of the White House nepotism hires feel Jared’s pain. DC staffing is so inbred because conservatives simply have no chance of finding anyone to mate with.
Never take for granted some rural voters hatred of Donald Trump.
Wed, 8 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin go there today! (Following correct safety protocols, of course.)
Attention, students, parents and teachers wishing to open schools safely, Donald Trump hears you. All except for the “safely” part. Trump only listens to statements phrased in the form of a compliment. And, well, safety reminds Donald of condoms, and you know how he feels about that.
For those wondering why so many cases and so few deaths - give it a minute, the hospitals have just turned down their sheets. Meanwhile, churches are hellholes. Prisons are too, for both the thin blue line, and the ICE blue lines. Get out and protest though, you’ll do fine. Montana alerts manly men to their many manly mask options.
As for the election, Donald Trump does have a few more enthusiastic supporters... for some reason, but he also has many more enthusiastic haters, for obvious reasons. Actually, every shred of evidence points to Trump having his ass kicked. Joe Biden is looking pretty electable lately. The more Trump loses, the more desperate he will become, however. Who knows what crazy scheme he will try next? We do know what Republicans will attempt with any Democratic Vice Presidential candidate, because that is what has worked so well for them so many times before.
On their last date, back in March, Donald Trump gave the country of Brazil a super-nasty case of the Rona. The one positive thing to come out of it all was fellow lunatic autocrat Jair Bolsonaro’s coronavirus test results. Don’t worry, Donald’s hooked him up with the good stuff.
Fireworks will blow your head off, but they will never lie to you. Guns... you just can’t trust. Oh, they’ll tell you they’ll protect you, through thick and thin… even if you happen to be the dumbest son of a bitch in a Florida Costco, they’ll still stick by you. Then, one day (the one moment your buddy lines up with the barrel) Bang—the gun and your buddy aren’t your friend anymore. A guy shooting a gopher bagged a golfer. So close! And, a woman’s gun shot her right in the waterpark! Ow!
Tue, 7 July 2020
David Waldman welcomes Tuesday, and Joan McCarter and you and me to KITM:
One day, we won’t have to learn how to pronounce Ayn Rand correctly. Unfortunately, today is not that day. The Ayn Rand Institute, along with the Grover Norquist Group, are paid to be opponents of federal spending, and of course showed up right at the front of the Paycheck Protection Program line.
Florida has announced that it will dispatch public K-12 schools into the maw of coronavirus by August. Donald Trump will describe his easy, one-step method tonight. But you know teachers—always asking questions! About the safety and well-being of their students, their families, themselves, who is responsible, where the materials and money are coming from, etc. Mitch McConnell tells them not to worry, no one important will get in trouble.
Therefore, unless Melania has something to add, the discussion should be short. After all, COVID-19, like a miracle, has almost disappeared. At least the testing has... which is almost as good? In fact, medical PPE has already vanished, again. This should give Donald more time to address the Black problem. About the time Donald Trump learned to talk, he’s been asking why Black people haven’t been more thankful, but still hasn’t received a satisfactory answer. Maybe soon!
People of color are getting much more than their fair share of coronavirus. Dozens of pistachio plant workers are Infected with COVID-19. It would be a lot more, but the others have been fired. A bipartisan handful of lawmakers are pushing a rescue package apart from the Paycheck Protection Program, reconfigured to specifically aid Black-owned businesses. Banks are tired of giving out COVID-19 loans, and would prefer Congress offer more focused direct grants.
Meanwhile, 40 Trump-connected lobbyists, including five former administration officials, are splitting $10 billion in coronavirus aid from the federal government.
Mon, 6 July 2020
Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us complex answers to complex questions. That is, after all why we tune in to them for a couple of hours. (Actually, 1:58:45.)
Donald Trump is pretty simple. He’s a racist, he’s going to appeal to racists. You would think that there would not be enough racists to make that work. You would hope so. Fear and resentment has been a solid strategy for Trump, but probably not this time... Probably not. That is partly because coronavirus is skyrocketing right where Trump’s supporters live, which is no coincidence. The pandemic is hitting Donald right in his big beautiful electoral map. COVID-19 has chased the Republicans from Charlotte to Jacksonville to rout them out again.
We don’t have all of the dumb people in the world, it just seems that way. Understanding why COVID cases increase as deaths are decrease is as simple as understanding Simpson’s Paradox, regression to the mean, and conversely, regression to the tail. It also helps to understand the difference between equality and equity in contact tracing protocols. Listen, just follow the expert advice, whenever you can find some.
Fri, 3 July 2020
David Waldman wishes you a KITM Happy 3rd of July! Think you’re patriotic? Donald Trump is already out there celebrating, his orange hide gently flowing in the breeze like an American flag. Soon, he’ll be off to Mount Rushmore, to celebrate the liberation of the surrounding pine forests, joined by thousands of tightly packed free-mouth-breathing patriots. After all, isn’t it Jefferson who required the tree of liberty to be refreshed at times by the blood of our friends and neighbors? Herman Cain sends his regrets, as he will not be able to attend this year. The world realizes we are kind of dumb, and is pretty certain they don’t want to catch it. We might be stupid, but we’re well fed.
A professional football team has been asked to change their stupid name ever since the moment they came up with their stupid name. This time, it’s FedEx asking, and they’re not asking. Cleveland, Ohio came up with the perfect solution in 1889… but then went with their stupid name.
If it is possible to find a more cynical, racist, misogynistic, sociopathic sneering troll than Donald Trump, Republicans will run him for President in 2024. And Trump will beg him, tears running down his eyes, choking like a dog, to save him in 2020.
The White House hired an Islamophobic conspiracy theorist for a Defense Department job, because those are the kind of people that they prefer. Clint Lorance was convicted of murder in 3 hours, 14 of his own men testified against him, and Donald Trump pardoned him, because Clint is the kind of guy he likes. Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is not Donald’s kind of guy, so Senator Tammy Duckworth is standing up for him.
A New York Court blocked Donald Trump’s niece from publishing her “tell-all” book. Ah, but now a New York appellate judge now says she can. Whatever. It’s already a best seller. That’s Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, by Mary L. Trump Ph.D.
Thu, 2 July 2020
Things. They keep happening. And so, by necessity, does KITM. David Waldman and Greg Dworkin tell us about them:
Our Ventilator King this morning announced that the coronavirus (he calls it “Pocahontas” or something) is finally under control, or at least it would be if we had listened to him and wore a mask. We are at the largest 1-day total since the start of the pandemic. That is a 50% increase over last month. Following this surge in infections, is a surge in illness, followed by the inevitable surge in bad press for the Trump administration. It will take a lot of white power to dig Trump out of this hole!
We are almost back up to the unemployment level of the Great Recession. This, in fact, might be the peak. You can’t go to work if you can’t send your kids to school, and that really doesn’t seem likely.
If you aren’t panicking, you weren’t in New York City in April. One look at roadkill in the spring will tell you if college students would let a little COVID-19 interfere with their party plans.
Trump’s Russian bounty HOAX! is becoming more solid by the minute. Maybe we can fit a WITCH HUNT! in before November. Trump and Putin joined to make Afghanistan great again. The Taliban has always been open to making a ruble, or a buck, which makes them Donald’s kind of guys.
Donald Trump thinks property is something you bribe for. His administration just lent $700 million to a trucking company that was sued for ripping off taxpayers. They of course kicked him back a little.
Wed, 1 July 2020
Well, there’s the COVID-19 pandemic disaster, and the Russian bounty treason. Which HOAX! would you like to be addressed first? Republicans who did not want to look weak by wearing masks and then put them on months later, still look weak. The ones still refusing look like idiots. Therefore, many Republicans you will never see again, and the ones that have been left behind are looking more like crazy idiots. Crazy idiots do happen to be to be Donald Trump’s enthusiastic core supporters, but pandering to just them seems to be a lost cause. The public is not in the mood to play with Donald anymore.
Condoms and face masks will never get in the way of horny morons. Surging caseload spikes demand for testing, which could crash the supply train. Who needs a nasal swab though, when there’s so many angles to attack the situation?
Have a hard time choosing between Democracy and Autocracy? David suggests abolishing the legislative filibuster. You could also pack the courts while you’re at it. Joe Biden can learn a few things from Jimmy Carter. Who’s Joe Biden?
Tue, 30 June 2020
Almost out of June! David Waldman closes out the month with guest Joan McCarter:
Comedy, movie, television, print and social media icon, and mensch Carl Reiner passes away at almost 100, or maybe 2000 years old. It’s hard to tell with someone that worked and lived as if every day was his last.
People have picked on Donald Trump this whole month. For instance, Donald found this great video of people in Florida on golf carts who were really pro-him. Sure, they shouted “White Power” a few times, but Donald didn’t really see that as the important part, and shared it on Twitter. Anyhow, Donald was golfing, and he and his entourage of around 100 sat their phones down somewhere back in the clubhouse, so it took a few hours to eventually delete the tweet.
Now Trump is being accused of treason, again, this time for looking the other way while Americans are killed on behalf of our enemies, which is just like Benghazi, except real. Trump received a briefing, or two or three, but did anyone try to get his attention, snap their fingers in his face, shake him a little maybe? Probably not. Donald spent his time after the briefings selling Russia to the G7.
You’d think that Donald Trump spent the last four years just golfing and sucking up to Vladimir Putin, but you’d be wrong. Donald Trump sucked up to all the world’s brutal dictators, and verbally abused our allies (with special emphasis on women heads of state) while bad-mouthing his predecessors.
Then there’s the deadly pandemic. The worst is yet to come, and the CDC surrenders. Whose fault is this? Well, it is kind of a lot of people’s fault, but some people are definitely dumber than others, and Fox News made them that way. The more we know, the more we find that we don’t know. Stay away from restaurants, and movie theaters, and from the people who tell you “it’s just like the flu”. (unless it is the flu)
No one is surprised by Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior, except maybe Susan Collins. It would have been nice however, if Bob Woodward’s story showing Kavanaugh lied in his confirmation hearings wasn’t suppressed by the Washington Post at the time. In some universe, if Brett were to be forced out, maybe Trump would nominate someone even worse. John Roberts shows himself as being way too much the lib for Trump.
Mon, 29 June 2020
BREAKING: Skype! At least, the KITM Skype has broken. That was the big news this morning, at least until David Waldman was able to dig his Netscape CD out of the bottom of the pencil drawer and bring Greg Dworkin back on line.
But that’s not all. There’s still that COVID-19 pandemic to talk about, as it looks as if some of us out there are screwing all of us. A lot of people knew this would happen, and know what to do to fix things. Unfortunately, many don’t know, don’t care, and are putting their efforts into public relations over public health and safety. We can therefore expect to continue to reap in July what we’ve sowed today.
Tens of thousands of newly dead and dying Americans will probably harm Donald Trump’s reputation of competent leadership leading into the election, which will concern fellow Republicans and even might bring out a few skeptics. Donald Trump himself knows he’s losing, and will tell you that right upfront.
Of course, the election’s still out there, and so much could change in that time. For instance, proof that Donald Trump arranged for the murder of US troops at the hands of Russians has emerged. Trump can pick from three answers to this scandal: He’s a traitor, he’s an imbecile, or he’s really not the president. Why not all of the above? Anyway, Vlad owes him big time.
Facebook has converted bigotry and fear into shares, likes, and billions of dollars for Mark Zuckerberg. Donald Trump has been a VIP customer since 2015. Recently, however, hate has become less of a profit center for major corporations.
Slimeballs continue to slide into Facebook and into government, and in North Carolina that’s where they run into our friends at The Long Leaf Pine Slate. We can make things change for the better, fast, if we try—look at Mississippi!
Fri, 26 June 2020
It was a Friday.
What’s more, Scott Anderson was busy.
So not only was today’s show the usual race against time to cram in as much as possible, but I got stuck writing it up at exactly the time I wanted to hide under the desk, instead.
The pandemic is worse than ever, of course. Possibly even worse than we know. So naturally, now’s exactly the right time to double down on destroying everyone’s access to insurance. And let’s hope that while the DOJ is busy on that, they don’t lose sight of their mission to free anyone who’s covered for Trump’s criminality!
But really, what’s the point of health care in a pandemic, anyway? Right? All we have to do is not follow any of the instructions from experts, but tell ourselves we tried. And you certainly don’t have to listen if you think you’re the “president.” (Or do you?)
Mississippi has long faced pressure to change its racist flag. Can a country music star make them do it? Or will she get Dixie Chick-ed? Well, what about football? That might work. Hope it works here, anyway.
Thu, 25 June 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin discuss 6 hours of stuff in a little under 2 hours today:
Democrats are opening up a lead in Florida mail-by-vote registration. Mail-in ballots are sure, but slow. Jamaal Bowman declared victory over Eliot Engel in New York’s 16th Congressional District primary, but Engel’s defeat will officially loom until all ballots are counted. Brad Sherman is next in line for the Foreign Affairs chairmanship, but then there’s Gregory Meeks. David tells us to follow the money.
When you hear the words “coronavirus” and “rally” who do you think of? So does everyone else!
Joe Biden is polling way ahead of Donald Trump not just in outlier polls, with big jumps in swing states. But why? It turns out that even Evangelicals prefer a mensch. Republicans are finding it difficult to campaign against Biden, especially as Joe is neither a woman nor Black. Even more problematic for the Gop is that more and more White people like Joe. Former presidential candidate and Ted Cruz running mate Carly Fiorina is voting Joe, even.
Donald Trump still has a lock on the screwball vote. Beware, if you are a 5G deep state mask-wearing, devil-worshiping lung-insulter you might be liable to citizen’s arrest. Dudes don’t wear masks, unless they’re like, secure in their manhood, man. How secure is Sean Hannity, you think?
We continue to head towards disaster. The Coronavirus is winning because of loons, Fox News loons and the Loon in Chief. It’s the parties, stupid. Mike Pence leads Gop Senators in a happy optimistic whistle past the COVID-19 graveyard. The Treasury department sent out $1 billion in stimulus checks to dead people, but it probably didn’t work.
Flattening the curve did not cure the disease. We have learned so much and yet not enough. The White House puts Dr. Fauci into a timeout box. Public health officials that know what’s good for them are getting out. Dozens of Trump’s secret service have been taken out.
Vladimir Putin is even worse, if that matters.
A Columbus statue in Philadelphia had to removed because of the roving violent pro-statue gangs. Fairfax, Virginia finally changed the name of Robert E. Lee High School, following Robert E. Lee High School in Houston, Texas, now Margaret Long Wisdom High School, and Robert E. Lee High School in San Antonio, Texas… which you can just call “LEE”. It’s not too late for Montgomery, Alabama’s Robert E. Lee High School to do the right thing.
There sure are a lot of Robert E. Lee High Schools.
Speaking of civil war, the U.S. Military contains sleeper cells set to turn their guns on fellow soldiers when the time is right. You’d think that would be a concern.
Wed, 24 June 2020
Is it possible that more Americans are beginning to understand Black LIves Matter and other messages, and that a less bigoted America are finding less advantage in a Trump presidency? Perhaps, overall, we are becoming less schmucks, so now we better understand the value of a mensch. Speaking of, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin offer us a fine new KITM, tachlis:
Donald Trump is at the “running away bawling insults” stage of surrendering to Covid-19. Death rates are still rising, more young people are becoming infected, and they are due to have an awful time. 138,000 years of life lost, and rising. The nation is on its knees.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott would definitely prefer droves of people weren’t dying in his state, but what can he do? 45 ICUs full in Florida, but who’s counting? Rebekah Jones, Florida Covid-19 data scientist in exile, is still keeping track, and still knows people on the inside telling her they are being forced to cook the books. Coronavirus and more await the RNC conventioneers coming to Jacksonville.
Trump does have his plate full at the moment.
Right now, Joe Biden is very likely to beat Donald Trump. Unfortunately right now, it’s not the election… Common wisdom is that these things will narrow, but not if Donald Trump has anything to say about it. Since his inauguration, Trump has given his all to deliver a Biden landslide, and he shows no sign of giving up. Never Trumpers might be trouble in 2024, but they are never Trump now.
Attention statue topplers: Always read the accompanying historical plaque before breaking the seal. There are many ways for protesters to shoot themselves in the foot, but one chose the regular way. And, there are Black armed protesters are showing up in Oklahoma.
Meanwhile, politics have somehow crept into jurisprudence. Roger Stone prosecutor Aaron Zelinsky believes William Barr might have something to do with it, as does the New York City Bar Association. Spy Michael Flynn gets sprung. China pays for access to Trump. Imaad Zuberi bought access, and might get in trouble. Louie Gohmerts. All good, all good...
Tue, 23 June 2020
No one wants Tuesday, so David Waldman is regifting it to us:
The KITM Official Style Guide is imprecise on this point, but I believe the proper usage is that Brad Parscale really “shit” the bed last Saturday night leading into the Tulsa MAGA rally. No time to change the sheets before Arizona. And, William Barr has “shitted” many beds as attorney general, but none like he that bed he “shat” firing Geoffrey Berman. It’ll take a while for the DOJ to air out.
Republican Martha McSally proposes that big government pay people not to work, while spreading disease.
An Oregon Church opened in accordance Donald Trump’s demands that states allow churches to open, and now have over 90% of the coronavirus cases in their county. They wouldn’t have any cases if Trump had stopped testing earlier, only a couple dozen random deaths. The world's top-ranked men's tennis player, Novak Djokovic, and his wife took tests and look what happened to them.
Official fall guy Mike Pence almost fell off Air Force Two. The scene of a confrontation between protesters and police is the last place that the White House wants reporters. Are you looking to recreationally beat people, but really aren’t a police officer? it’s now easier than ever! Just slip on some body armor and slide into a riot line.
Mon, 22 June 2020
Is Monday a good day for schadenfreude delivery? Because, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have backed up a big truck of it to unload this morning.
Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign pivoted into a steeper dive on Saturday. 1 out of every 8 minutes of Trump’s speech were devoted him to bailing himself out from his last appearance. Not a lot of people showed up, but it is unfair to compare the previous acts shaming him on attendance, as they have the unfair advantage of talent.
TikTok Teens and K-Pop Stans bullseyed Brad Parscale’s Death Star, as racist, lying pieces of which continue to rain down today. Great shot kids! Right out of Saul Alinsky’s rebel alliance handbook! Chances are less than one in a million that Ivanka and Jared will have it back in orbit around Arizona, next stop for Trump’s Covidtour. Trump’s plan now is to take COVID-19 head on, by reducing America’s tolerance to preventable deaths. Slowing testing was only the first step, eliminating testing would be the final solution. Plenty of Americans are ready to chip in and help.
The kids owned Parscale this time, but anyone who loads the Trump 2020 app will be owned forever.
A potential night of victories coming this Tuesday in separate primaries in Kentucky and New York may not include longtime congressman, House Foreign Relations Chairman, Eliot Engel, who is trying to avoid an AOC-style upset. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is also trying to avoid an AOC-style upset.
William Barr failed in another coup attempt on democracy, this time over the Southern District of New York. Bill says all he wanted to do was find a lackey a job, and now everyone is angry with him, again. Jerry Nadler is just tired of all the hate.
Fri, 19 June 2020
Thanks to Donald Trump, and David Waldman, we’ve learned so much this year... from epidemiology to constitutional law! And, did you know that Black lives matter? Many were not aware of that until Donald pointed it out. In fact, race relations should be the main topic of Prof. Trump’s lecture series, appropriately kicking off in Tulsa, OK, tomorrow.
Father’s Day is Sunday. Fatherhood brings the potential joy of displaying your son to win an argument or as a political prop. For those wondering, Matt Gaetz now publically has a son, Nestor. Previously introduced as a student, Nestor was also known as a helper for Gaetz’ office administration, yard care, cabana maintenance etc., but now, Nestor is totally Matt’s son in every conceivable way, except perhaps legally, and it sure is a heartwarming story.
Trump’s Bible photo op split evangelicals into “the smart ones” and “the saps” camps. Donald prefers saps, and tweeting videos with them, but Twitter is finally beginning to flag those tweets. Trump might be every inch the stupid ignorant old white guy he seems, but his staff couldn't be more Nazi if they were flash frozen in ‘44. In New York just last week, police found found weapons, fireworks, ammunition and a tactical manual on some Boogaloo bois, but you just know you would find as much and maybe more in some police lockers. And, if Black people ever do win, Jail is waiting for them. What kind of society values property over Black lives?
Thu, 18 June 2020
David Waldman brings Greg Dworkin on to today’s KITM to give us what for… and why, how and where:
John Bolton betrayed his country. Lots! And, this time it was for a book deal. Either the book deal, or that he came too late to it. If Bolton had testified earlier wonderful things could have happened, but probably wouldn’t have, because as always a Republican’s priority is to themselves, and thus to Donald Trump. We already knew Trump was treasonous, just now we’re haggling on how much.
Joe Biden is making his first TV ad buy of the general election, continuing his “Soul of America” message, a message growing more important every day. The Trump campaign counterpoint is to make a few Nazi references and call it a day.
Perhaps this is enough. After all, Gop officials are talking a Trump landslide. So, are the polls skewed again? They’d have to be pretty skewed to bury Biden’s 8 point national lead, including up to double-digit leads in battleground states. The electoral map hasn’t changed that much.
Can Donald Trump lie his way out of a pandemic rap? Sure! He already has. But can his lies stay ahead of the rise of infection and death? We should have an idea, in just a few weeks. So far, mask-wearing in public has saved hundreds of thousands.
Google, Facebook and Twitter have stringent terms of service rules, to make you happy. To make important people happy, they waive those rules.
When black women flipped a white school board, the State of Georgia arrested them and charged them with 120 separate felony counts of voter fraud.
Wed, 17 June 2020
Wednesday morning, and David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have a virtual kitchen table discussion about breakfast foods.
Aunt Jemima will be changing her name, which shouldn’t be much of a hardship, as she isn’t a real person. No matter, if she’s Aunt Jemima, Aunt J, Aunt Karen, or Sheila, it will remain difficult to shed 130 years of existence as a racist symbol, even though Quaker Oats just noticed today. After all, 3 out of 4 Taiwanese prefer "Black Person Toothpaste". Old habits do take a while to break.
Overall, proud racists have become slightly less proud these last few weeks. Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy was happy to wear an OAN shirt last week, and is less happy about it today. Then again, Boogaloo Bois have become less of a joke as their fantasies of murder and mayhem are becoming realized. White supremacist ideology has spread through police forces for years.
In election news, it’s definitely not 2016 and it probably won’t be in November, either. Greg wonders, what if copy/pasting conventional wisdom is just lazy punditry? Greg and David scrutinize the latest polls and note that Donald Trump trails Joe Biden by 16 points in Michigan, and if job approval were votes, Trump should be quitting today, if he were smart.
We remain in the first wave of the COVID-19 pandemic in America. The First Lady of Ukraine has been hospitalized. 260 workers have tested positive for COVID-19 at Orlando International Airport. Much more will be coming.
Plants stayed open to produce meat to feed Americans, and shipped 129,000 tons of it to China.
Tue, 16 June 2020
David Waldman saves the world one podcast at a time, and this day with Joan McCarter!
A million or so 100% racism and virus free MAGA ralliers head to Tulsa this weekend. Coronavirus is not the flu. The pandemic is not over. You might not ever fully recover if you catch COVID-19, in fact, you could be crippled for life. Commonly used steroid dexamethasone however, will help you not die. By the way, Hydroxychloroquine does not save, and could end, lives.
Tom Rice finds that sometimes wearing a mask and sometimes social distancing does not always prevent COVID-19. The DC National Guard finds their weaponry does not slow the virus. Chances are equal that they brought it to protesters as visa versa because the Guard did not screen themselves before deployment. By the way, The National Guard was not kicked out of their hotels.
West Virginia churches discover that piousness does not totally prevent illness.
The Supreme Court rules that no one can be fired for being gay or transgender. Franklin Graham is not happy. Susan Collins is not surprised. Donald Trump does not quite get it, but he has people that do, and they are still at war with LGBTQ+ people. But-for the grace of God…
Ever hear of Gop rising star Nick Freitas? Even he has a hard time remembering his name, forgetting to put it on the ballot for his reelection two years in a row. Republican Bob Good apparently also skipped his own mind.
And for some reason... The judge in Jeffrey Epstein grand jury case has ties to those with a stake in outcome. Republicans benefiting from the Paycheck Protection Program are opposed to requiring transparency. The group backing voting suppression is backed by dark money.
Mon, 15 June 2020
David Waldman welcomes Greg Dworkin to today’s KITM, and golly, do they have a lot to tell you:
The day after Juneteenth, millions will pack into historic Tulsa, Oklahoma’s BOK center to witness Donald Trump, cofounder with Abraham Lincoln of the Black Lives Matter movement, roll victoriously down his entrance ramp. Tulsa lays out the unwelcome mat.
Black lives matter. Change is sweeping the world. People are listening, finally. Why is this time different? Eight minutes, forty six seconds. George Floyd can’t be ignored. George Floyd can’t be spun. We can fix this. Even the “he/she’s no angel” talking point might be on it’s way out.
Reform, defund, or unbundle police, this has become a kitchen table conversation in America now. Half of America want funds redirected, and that number is growing, but before determining what to cut, first someone should look into what police really do.
COVID-19 is still killing people everywhere. The virus doesn’t care about your lockdown fatigue. State openings are backfiring, as we begin to feel the symptoms of too-early relaxing of social distancing. It is possible to open safely, if we want to. A moral, just and healthy society would be possible if we actually wanted one. Talking about racism must be a part of health care. By the way, COVID-19 is not the flu.
Things are looking good for Joe Biden. Very good. That could worry Republicans. It could worry Democrats too, because that’s how they roll. Independents are heading to Biden. Women are already there, and feeling better about Joe than Hillary.
Dr. Amy “Action” Acton is out… but returns as Dr. Amy “Back in Action” Acton! Sesame Street is certainly a lot friendlier than her home street. Dr. Nicole Quick stars in an unfortunate misogynistic sequel.
NYT’s star reporter David Barstow wins Pulitzers and makes money, but not friends writing on Donald Trump’s taxes. Who’s Mary Trump? We’re all going to find out a lot more about Donald’s least favorite niece with her new tell-all book coming out this August.
Fri, 12 June 2020
It's a Friday on which we throw it back to Thursday, so that we can claim it's a Throwback Thursday, during which we actually throw it back to a Wednesday show. Get it? Well, nobody does. Don't feel bad.
Suffice to say, we ran the June 12, 2019 show today, and it was this:
David Waldman presents the hump day KITM, the hump caused by the shear abundance of links, stories, and things to consider.
Today in malfeasance:
When Chaos and corruption go hand in hand, you know it is time to invest in gravel, bananas, or anything Mitch McConnell is investing in. 22 foreign governments shop Trump. Mexican officials go to Jared.
Greg Dworkin reports on the state of the 2020 race: Trump is losing and he knows it, but if you find out, heads will roll. Trump poll numbers are brutal, they are grim, and not likely to look better. The top 6 candidates beat him by at least 5 points. He loses age 65 & older by 17 points. Donald Trump is an unpopular president. The best hope for Republicans now is to switch the names of the parties.
Wall Street weighs all of this and sees a Trump win. Is everything good news for Donald? Abortion might not be the wedge issue Republicans hope, and is getting more attention than expected. Donald Trump would rather be golfing.
Thu, 11 June 2020
Standing atop the parapet along the highest ramparts of Fort Kagro, David Waldman calls reveille for the final KITM of this week. David will be absent this Friday to undergo a colonoscopy. Who knew Antifa membership eligibility standards were so stringent?
Greg Dworkin calls in with the latest. In his recent tweets, Donald Trump congratulated his crack SS troops for their successful blitzkrieg on the BLM while reminding us that those who need to preserve the Confederacy want to repeat it. That just means it will have to fall again, then. This is the worst PR campaign for the National Guard since they had Neil Young write their jingle music. Gassing peaceful demonstrators is never a good look, but it turns out that neither is a forced Bible photo op. So, how can Trump top this week? How about a white power rally on Juneteenth at the site of mass graves of an infamous race massacre?
Trump could just go back to the bunker and remain an impotent bystander, but no, the road calls to him. His advisers want him to quit driving into ditches, but why bother when his highway ends off a cliff? Donald can't change the subject to something he's competent in if he's incompetent in all things. Therefore, Trump demands an apology . The forecast is as sunny as Joe Biden's smile.
Meanwhile, Trump will pardon Michael Spy Flynn, as the judge knows a ridiculous ploy when he sees one, just as a mob prosecutor knows a mobster when he sees one, and anyone who has seen William Barr and Donald Trump knows gross abusers when they see them.
If you think a mask is uncomfortable, try a lung transplant.
Wed, 10 June 2020
David Waldman welcomes Greg Dworkin to KITM to tip some metaphorical statues, as it is pretty hot outside today.
Leopold? Leopold! Leopold’s statue is lit, dunked, and hanged in Belgium “Black Lives Matter” protests. In Boston, Christopher Columbus was decapitated, belatedly. His twin went to the bottom of a Virginia lake. George Henry Thomas, the Sledge of Nashville, Rock of Chickamauga, still stands tall, as well he should.
It’s about time. Technology and social media have finally spurred empathy and humanity around the world. Public opinion on race relations and police misconduct made a huge leap in a very good direction. Black Lives Matter more, Donald Trump matters less. Do you know what polite, civil discourse gets you? Not this!
Joe Biden is playing it safe, but playing it well. Nimble Joe Biden has been middle of the road, no matter where that road was, for decades, so it was dumb to try to paint him as a radical. That’s OK, Trump has many other dumb ideas to implement.
Donald Trump rebooted his presidency by relaying Russian conspiracies claiming a 75 year old man was on a suicide mission to make him look bad. This One Perfect Tweet could unify the entire country, which is why Republican Senators refuse to read it. Trump will further unite the world with his surprise retreat from Germany. Also, Donald’s been talking about Jacksonville... going to mess around... but without getting divorced from Charlotte.
Wear a mask. Sailors like them!
Tue, 9 June 2020
While not California, Idaho does have its faults... However, Joan McCarter would let nothing deter her from her virtual visit to KITM World Headquarters with David Waldman, and us, for Tuesday’s show:
Donald Trump whipped his MAGA mob into a lynch mob this morning by accusing Martin Gugino, a 75-year-old affordable housing advocate, human rights organizer and Catholic Worker Movement member hospitalized by police of an invented slander that only Trump’s degenerate stage of depravity, dementia and paranoia could conceive of. For Donald, this lie could hardly be as traumatizing as looking into a mirror.
So, do we defund or reform the police? Why not both! Congressional Democrats are hoping to get the ball rolling with the Justice in Policing Act of 2020. In Colorado, even Republican senators are backing their police accountability bill. Diplomats around the world are forced to try to explain why anyone should take the US seriously as a moral example.
Then there’s coronavirus. A New Jersey partier can prove how much he gets around. You can just ask Pennsylvania doctors. And yes, protesters know about the pandemic. That is one reason they are out there... and one of the better reasons, at that.
It now looks as if coronavirus spread after Trump’s half-assed “China ban” and long after the start of the Trump recession. Now, the Gop needs you to get back to work and/or die. Trump could have wiped himself with a day’s worth of swabs down in the bunker, but instead took the time to fly out to Maine to contaminate them in person.
Mon, 8 June 2020
It turns out that the revolution is being televised. You can also find it here on KITM, hosted by David Waldman and today’s special guest co-revolutionary, Greg Dworkin.
Around the world, statues topple. A global epiphany so inspirational that even Mitt Romney seems born-again. This weekend, newspaper editors across the nation jabbed their cigars toward their lead reporters, and demanded that they find out what this “Defund the police” is, and to have it on their desks by Monday morning. Black reporters have understood all too well what’s going on, and are fighting to report it.
The Floyd protests spread into white, small-town America, while Republicans give up on governance and decide to just shoot them all and let God sort out the socialists. A white guy shot a protester in Seattle and calmly walked into protective custody. Seattle police continue their attempts to dominate. Brevard county ❤️️’s rogue cops. Democrats propose reforming policing. Will Republicans reform themselves after Trump? Of course not, but what will they pull next?
Donald Trump’s horrific job performance is effecting his job approval numbers. After considering Trump’s sociopathic stupidity, many voters find themselves supporting Joe Biden’s candidacy. Women are wising up faster than men.
Meanwhile, coronavirus isn’t going anywhere, except into new hosts. Brazil keeps its death toll from rising by decree. In the US, shutdowns prevented 60 million coronavirus infections, but with less shut down there are more infections. Coronavirus also is spreading into rural areas, hitting large families hard. Florida has had more cases in the last 4 days than it ever had in any 4 day period.
Fri, 5 June 2020
David Waldman drops us off safely at another weekend, let’s all try to make it back here safe.
Donald Trump can’t even golf, the news is so beautiful. We’re in the money! Employment has dived to still-depression levels. Trump says he couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for the guidance of George Floyd’s angel. Trump’s off to Maine, where the plan is to make the streets run red with domination.
ACORN rerouted a caravan of voter fraud busses out of Guatemala to Indiana, loading 250 Antifa super-soldiers to each bus for a raid on Chicago, but quick-thinking Fox-watching police made them disappear into thin air. Oh wait! They’ve been sighted heading into Idaho! They’re back in Indiana! 6,000 — One terrorist for each of the population of the town of Notre Dame! Oh no, while we were distracted, a
James O’Keefe infiltrated the past and discovered antifa headquarters in the heart of Portlandia.
Back in the real world, actual soldiers caravan into Washington DC to crack a few heads. An elderly man in Buffalo triggered blue rage by attempting to return a helmet. Bethesda, MD police are looking for a bicyclist assaulting kids that were posting George Floyd signs. That should be easy, they just need to find a guy that looks just like a cop. Maybe police are a mistake.
DC’s Mayor, Muriel Bowser, increases the police budget by $19 million… But sent a big message to the world this morning, and might have a few more things up her sleeve. Authorities always need more money for more domination.
The New York Times is about 200 years old and hopes to establish a method of administering its standards soon. In the meantime, occasional fascist propaganda might leak through. The Times shouldn’t challenge its readers with lies, however.
Thu, 4 June 2020
David Waldman fixes everything in a little under two hours. Friday we share kitten videos.
On Monday, our jerk-often president shambled through a field of tear gas containers and spent ordnance for an historically jerk-off photo op, misinterpreted by some as “Jericho”. Those people are a problem, and although they are a goldmine for some, can’t elect Donald Trump by themselves. Greg Dworkin sees that support decaying as red states turn blue for Joe. Suburban women know exactly where they stand. Few wishy-washy people make surveyors look good.
A few dipshits do make America look bad. A Texas bar bans masks. Piers Morgan and Rudy Giuliani have a dick-measuring contest, and both win. You can spot a Gop ignoramus from across the room. Wearing a mask remains the smart thing to do.
Top military leaders are objecting to Donald Trump making America a military state. Donald builds that wall. Donald rattles his little sabre. No, you can’t touch it. Guantanamo’s nice this time of year.
Wed, 3 June 2020
The Siskel and Ebert of American politics, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin, give this Wednesday two thumbs down.
It began Monday with the first strains of John Williams score rising as cameras followed Trump and his all-white entourage marching across Lafayette Park, met by Empress Ivanka, there to present Donald with his second favorite book after Art of the Deal, his beloved Bible… Well, “a” Bible… aka, “The Holy Prop”. Hey! No spoilers for Gop senators, as none of them have seen it yet. After this blockbuster wraps, the White House will begin production of their ”The Omen” reboot.
The protests have been peaceful, until the cops show up… or, the bureau of federal prisons special operations response team, the 91st Military Police Battalion… or whoever these guys are. None of them will miss their chance to beat a black guy or a journalist… or, maybe shoot them, and not with paintballs either. But don’t worry, when the 82nd Airborne runs out of bullets for any American civilian protesters, they will have their bayonets. Police now lay out pallets of paint cans and bricks, go back to their hunting blinds, and wait.
Arlington police decide none of this is for them, and go back to Virginia to be peace officers. DC says they didn’t want them here anyhow. The DEA will hunt down the protesters of the killers of George Floyd, with special emphasis on whomever Donald Trump points at today.
Donald was just looking under his desk for something, not hiding under it! While he was down there, BLM support surged, as most Americans can see racism Isn’t being taken seriously enough. Steve King’s racism was taken seriously enough to get him ousted off the Republican ticket. Ferguson, Missouri elected their first black mayor, who is also their first woman mayor.
Tue, 2 June 2020
David Waldman combs through the detritus of American society, in a quite entertaining fashion:
Last night was another picturesque evening in DC , graced by the loveliest golden hour sunset. You know there’s no better time to take the Presidential Apprentice crew out to pick up some b-roll! Ergo, Donald Trump had the palace guard sweep the lowlife and scum from sight, so photographers could pick up a few shots of Donald’s post curfew stroll, trespassing, church looting, and religious desecration. His fans will just eat that up.
We are who we thought we were, except worse. Joe Biden calls on us to be more than we think we could be. Arlington Virginia police looked into the mirror and didn’t like what they saw. If you think the police are bad, you don’t want to see the vigilante white-boi gangs.
How did this all happen? Well earlier, on Saturday, beta-president Trump was shamed like a dog for hiding in his basement the previous night. By Monday he was reenacting the Downfall scene on Zoom with governors...
Trump wanted to get the G7 back together and relive old times, but Angela and the gang would prefer to increase their social distancing for the time being. Donald thought he’d invite Vlad, but it turns out Putin might be even less popular.
Mon, 1 June 2020
David Waldman chronicles the destruction and potential rebirth of America with added light repartee:
This weekend, Donald Trump tweeted out his betaness in all caps, while hiding in the basement, and cowering in the dark, tears running down his eyes like a dog, hoping in vain that his cosplay cavalry would charge to his rescue. Today, he squealed at alphas to do something now or else. Beta-beta Tom Cotton figures mowing down the first row or two of protesters should fix things.
Greg tells us that presidential election prospects are looking very good for Joe Biden. Not me—I don't want to jinx things. However, Greg does have some good points. Joe Biden should take into account present events while considering a woman of color to be his vice president—and he should take time to make that decision.
It is not 1968. Riots will not help Trump's reelection campaign, because nothing could ever happen that would ever make Donald Trump seem more like a leader to anyone, and comparisons with Joe Biden will just seem more silly by the day. Misinformation however, is guaranteed to exceed Nixonian levels.
Meanwhile, the Overton mail slot is moving to a more vote-by-mail friendly location.
Oh, and there is the COVID-19 thing. Coronavirus could be a blood vessel disease, which could explain everything. Nearly 6 in 10 aren’t ready to resume pre-pandemic activities. Protesters actually do care about the wellbeing of others. Trump couldn’t care less about West Point cadets. Donald cares enough about Brazil to send the very worst.
Fri, 29 May 2020
Any people of any color with any brains will vote Biden in 2020. Some with a few reservations, and some such as the columnist Stephen M. Crockett Jr. and Darwin H. M., @Darwin_Darko on twitter, who definitely have reservations and will definitely be voting for Joe Biden.
In Minneapolis, an old work beef culminates in racism and police brutality, and death. Since nothing has ever been fixed, it all blows up again. Donald Trump goes for an appeal to his base, who, as in so many other circumstances, are deplorable. Trump can tell good people from thugs, but even the Oath Keepers don’t want him to say it so loudly.
Twitter flagged Trump’s glorification of violence, and probably also the White House’s glorification of violence today, so Ted Cruz might be regretting his timing on joining the war on Twitter. Ted probably regrets a lot.
Zac Fuentes worked for the Trump White House, won a 3 million dollar contract days after forming a company to provide masks to Navajo Hospitals. He sent them chinese knockoffs, naturally.
Some things are TLDR for KITM, but not for you!
Boogaloos aren’t backing off, especially now. Here’s an identification guide. William Barr wears Hawaiian shirts on his down time, but he’s been so busy with his official white nationalist endeavours lately, appointing a new prosecutor to probe debunked “unmasking” allegations.
Thu, 28 May 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us one day closer to the end, the beginning, the truth, and Friday:
Just as testing increases COVID-19, and racism and police brutality have only increased because of phone cameras… Donald Trump’s lies also keep accumulating because people keep counting them. Therefore, Trump will vanquish lie-counting by executive order today. No need for him to check on the legality, feasibility, or prudence of this. Why bother? But let’s not call the unprepared, irresponsible, self-absorbed Donald Trump a liar. Donald Trump is also a maniacal despot, and a wildly unpopular one that’s becoming more unpopular wherever he is compared to actual human beings.
Donald Trump is lying about why he votes by mail. Florida’s lying about coronavirus deaths, unless a couple extra thousand Floridians dying from pneumonia is a coincidence. What happened to the 140 people exposed by those hairstylists in Missouri? What will happen to the several hundred people on this bridge? Soon, Donald Trump can and will point to Brazil’s president Jair Bolsonaro as being even worse than he is.
Wed, 27 May 2020
It’s Wednesday, and David Waldman and Greg Dworkin clocked into their home offices early this morning to apply their noses to their respective sanitized KITM grindstones:
It turns out that most people want to continue to live, and would like others alive as well. A few, however, are happy to trade you for them. That is, as long as you remain docile when it comes harvest time. 100,000 dead Americans would be just the start. Donald Trump knows what a life is worth, and is shopping for a bargain.
Trump hasn’t handled the coronavirus pandemic adequately at all, ever, thus allowing straightforward tracking of his performance. Trump will continue to do everything awfully, and most expect him to destroy and endanger more. Still somehow, the election outcome remains in doubt. That’s because it’s now Democrats versus authoritarians, and authoritarians just aren’t as enthusiastic about people voting as much as Democrats are. Maga boys hated authority about a minute ago, but rekindled their love early this morning. Public lynching of computers and phones are sure to follow if they continue to refuse to let Donald lie and slander.
House Republicans so hate seeing anyone have an easy time voting, they’re filing a lawsuit against proxy voting.
In a triumph of technology, ingenuity and human determination, a man made giant, animatronic Kookaburra. Also, SpaceX will be the first private company to send people into space.
Tue, 26 May 2020
David Waldman was a right-leaning pundit for weeks, but then he centered up the KITM microphone and he feels much better now.
This Memorial Day weekend, Donald Trump demanded churches open, went golfing, twitter-libeled, and went golfing, while America sailed past 100,000 dead from COVID-19. There will be a special place in held for Donald, unlike any has been held before.
The largest outbreak in the US will come from a church. So far the largest have come from prisons, nursing homes and meat packing plants. A North Carolina Hair Salon doesn’t like to see their kind coming around there.
Joan McCarter tells us 40% of US pandemic deaths are from nursing homes. The US is of course addressing this by making sure nursing home magnates are safe. Nancy Pelosi could draw red lines to protect the residents...
Missouri, Virginia, Texas, Georgia, Vermont, Florida, Maine and Pennsylvania have been caught cooking their books to get the best coronavirus results. Georgia admits that they are lying about testing, and now they’re just haggling over the numbers. Donald Trump wonders which “capita” people are complaining about... there’s like, 100,000 of them!
A white woman in Central Park strangled her dog (after giving it CPR) while setting up an appointment to have a black man killed by the police... Whoa there, internet mob! We must first decide on who should be the final arbitrator of who’s no angel here.
A white woman in Alabama thinks her feet don’t stink. At least, she knows the help shouldn’t go around acting that way.
Many white people are like that, and would prefer to stay that way, no matter what.
Mon, 25 May 2020
Well, that’s OK. Because it might have been hard to tell right away that today we aired our May 28, 2019 episode, in honor of Memorial Day, and all of us being exhausted by events. Maybe it was hard to tell because Donald Trump was just as disconnected from reality then as he is now. We just have more memorializing to do than usual.
What happened, way back when?
We lost Donald Trump for a few days, which is even nicer, at least for us.
It was Honest Abe Shinzō/Shinzō Abe’s turn to babysit Donald. They were almost buddies once they lost the ol’ balls and chains. There was golfing, natch, and a trophy presentation to a Sumo champion that wore a mawashi almost as big as the Presidential Depends. (Trump remembered the lifts, so he retained his height advantage.) Then, finally on to a celebration of the Allied defeat of the Axis nations aboard a Japanese military ship. Man, if only their buddy Jong-un could have been there to join in, to maybe throw a needle in there about Pearl Harbor or something, it would’ve been perfect.
Back at home, William Barr put the final touches on Trump’s public enemies list. Sarah Sanders can tell you this is so proper and the other side is so treasonous, that neither she nor you have to look into it at all. You and I agree, or else we would have forced Democrats into impeachment hearings by now.
Meanwhile, the IRS is being made into a partisan tool… why didn’t we think of that? Future Department Department of Homeland Security chief Ken Cuccinelli says that states can use their secret war powers to fight immigration, once Donald Trump uses his secret anti-constitutional powers to loosen up some things.
Fri, 22 May 2020
It’s Fridayish! And, we are heading into a big weekendish! David Waldman brings it like he always does:
Donald Trump’s stick became partially dislodged at a Ford plant, where he didn’t wear a mask to win an argument with the press, and he also wore a mask to win an argument with Michigan’s attorney general.
If you have dumbasses in your life, now would be a good time to talk with them about hydroxychloroquine, which often has a side-effect of death, but also regularly has side-effects of headache, dizziness, loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea, stomach pain, vomiting, rash, ringing in the ears… and hair loss. So, you know who’s lying about taking it. In fact, it seems like a lot of people are lying about taking it. A woman who actually took hydroxychloroquine for 19 years got this lousy COVID-19.
Lying doctors prefer Trump heading into the election, and prescribe lots of freedom. (Results may vary.) KITM fan Brian Monroe recorded and presents an audiobook-quality performance of the article How Freedom Became Free-Dumb in America.
Phased reopening at 25% capacity and behind masks works, and therefore has become vilified by the right. Battling coronavirus with freedom didn’t even work in Sweden. Alabama isn’t China, but is beginning to resemble Italy. Cases of COVID-19 have been linked to fitness classes in South Korea. California’s first community spread case has been traced to a nail salon. California and New York reacted differently to the COVID threat, and have different death tolls.
We have a long way to go and a lot more to learn. Washington state might have first been hit in December. Israel traces most of its cases to the US. China finds the virus in its new outbreaks operating under different rules. Some COVID-19 patients have new, awful, symptoms that last for months.
Republicans struggle to return to normal. Mike Pompeo works over donors and makes deals during his day job. Mitch McConnell installs lackey judges while shopping for a new inspector general for his wife. Kelly Loeffler’s husband buys his wife a way out of jail. Donald Trump’s yoyo, John Ratcliffe begins spy work.
Thu, 21 May 2020
There might possibly be other dimensions and universes out there somewhere, one or two without Donald Trump as president. However, this is the only existence available with David Waldman and Greg Dworkin, or at least the only one where they both sport those cool goatees, so we’ll just have to make do.
There are too many realities here as it is. Donald Trump as president withholds money from states to insure Donald Trump as candidate can win. Trump never means what he says, because he never knows what he’s saying. He doesn’t mind looking like an idiot, as long as it keeps him from looking like fool. Donald asks if we mean this capita, or that capita over there? Trump makes certain to never pay attention to those he can always blame. And, if you are unable to exploit his palpable shortcomings, you demonstrate that you are too weak to even bother with.
Confusion is the goal here. We all get spun around three times and shoved out the door. Florida knows what an informed populace would mean, and made sure they didn’t know. The Gop says, more doctors prefer coronavirus than any other pandemic. The CDC mixes and matches tests to get the right balance for the findings they want. The New England Journal of Medicine skips the hard math.
Wed, 20 May 2020
Happy Wednesday, 05/20/2020… A nice day to play the lottery.
Who needs to win the lottery when we already have David Waldman and KITM? It’s almost free!
Congratulations to Joe Biden, winner of Oregon’s Democratic 2020 presidential primary. Greg Dworkin feels that Joementum heading into November. As Trump discovers new lows in behavior and sanity, polls on his pandemic handling also drop. Biden rises above Trump, as always, but now even moreso. Trump-Biden voters are a thing, as Boomers become OK with Biden. The congressional race is just good, and as stable. Incumbent governors likewise seem heading toward pleasant days, except for Brian Kemp, who doesn’t even know what day it is.
BREAKING: Donald Trump will try to take America down with him. Since all registered Michigan voters will be mailed absentee ballot applications, Donald Trump became Michigan’s enemy, and Nevada’s too. Will he soon hate Texas as well?
The CDC quietly released detailed guidelines for reopening America, because that’s what one does in a national emergency. The Pentagon had to leak their memo warning of COVID-19 resurgence, with no vaccine until summer of 2021. And yet, through the help of… well, all of us big mouths, the facts keep being dispersed.
Stay-at-home orders saved hundreds of thousands, in lives and dollars. Texas, North Carolina, and Arizona see rising cases as they reopen, but the cases caused by reopening still won’t show up for weeks.
Meanwhile, crazy people take hydroxychloroquine. Dr. Deborah Birx whistles by the graveyard and her Hippocratic oath. Dr. Sean Conley lets Trump be Trump, because what does he have to lose? It's not hard to find Trump doctors, by the way. After all, there are plenty of easy touches for opioids out there that can always be tapped to push droxy.
Tara Reade has issues.
Tue, 19 May 2020
David Waldman is joined by Joan McCarter and all of us for kind of “a big Zoom conference”, but we’re muted and there’s no video... yet somehow it all still works:
Never get in an argument with grandpa. Cornered on why he doesn’t wear a mask, Donald Trump now purports to chase all of his adderall boilermakers with a little hydroxychloroquine. But, why not cocaine, you ask? Because, Donald has already stocked his pantry with 29 million doses of droxy and that product doesn’t move without a pusher.
Trump’s purge just got much more corrupt. Here's what's coming next.
William Barr is angry that Apple refuses to lend the deep state a hand with their wiretap efforts.
13 USS Theodore Roosevelt sailors tested positive after recovering from Covid-19. Does that mean coronavirus just gets unlimited whacks on us until we’re dead? Probably not! Who’s for sure anymore? Florida does its part to keep everyone in the dark by firing their own data manager. The only thing Georgia wants doctored are the disease numbers. People keep dying, though.
Mon, 18 May 2020
A second wave of hoax hits China with 100 million going into lockdown. Sweden aimed for the perfect balance between death and profit, but missed by a bit, lowering their life expectancy by a few years. The US Medicare eligibility age might have to drop just to find people alive to qualify.
Former hedge fund manager, convicted felon, and everlasting schmuck Martin Shkreli offered to cure us all if he was only allowed access to his fiancee’s secret Manhattan antiviral research laboratory, but you know how judges are.
Hey! Get ready for the summer fun season sweeping the nation! It feels great in Georgia! At least, as far as they know. In Texas, coronavirus cases and deaths keep going up, and also, they aren’t at all, as far as the local news can tell. People flock to the beaches, where they know it’s safe! Of course, no one knows. Wisconsin knows it made a mistake.
Trump supporters trust Donald to never do a thing, if first he isn’t completely convinced that it is the white thing to do. Joe Biden is ahead in national polls, state polls, and Chris Cillizza’s an idiot.
Meanwhile, turning off the AC in malls imparts a refined patina on fine leather goods.
Fri, 15 May 2020
It’s Friday and we’re off first to Kagro’s Coronavirus Science Corner where David Waldman enlists his wife—or his wife enlists him—in a live on-air experiment involving a lot of heat, a little water and a exploding kitchen. As invariable and constant as Old Faithful, nitwits stumble into the hot stuff over at Yellowstone National Park, even if they have to climb the fence to do so.
Donald Trump has not yet walked into a volcano. The good news is, if we can find one, and tell him it’s not there, he will walk in. Donald figures he might be able to cut a thousand or two off his Nagasaki-sized death toll if he only could get a recount. A dozen states bet they are on God’s good side, while evangelicals await their viral rapture.
As Greg Dworkin has told us, none of this is helping Trump’s election chances, and things will only get worse for us before they get better. The CDC now issues a warning on the growing risk of a Kawasaki disease-like, coronavirus-linked syndrome in children. Talking could leave coronavirus in the air for more than eight minutes. Loud talking could leave coronavirus in the air for up to 14 minutes.
Democrats who wish to breath less of their colleagues’ phlegm for a while are looking into a few other ways of getting their job done, including proxy voting. Armed terrorists bring a literal end to democracy in Michigan.
The Mike Flynn case gets weirder as the judge signals he won’t dismiss and might be considering criminal contempt charges. William Barr both-sides the court, which might get him good press, one way or the other, but now he’s got Watergate prosecutors working against him. The judge in the Roger Stone case orders the Trump administration to turn over his Ukraine emails. Trump was covering up info on Saudi involvement in 9/11, but now that’s out.
Thu, 14 May 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin present our hebdomadal penultimate KITM:
The Wisconsin Supreme Court, led by landslide loser Justice Daniel Kelly, voted out COVID-19 from the state. Pre-infected idiots rejoice, flooding local bars to maybe get them some. Regular folks tell Green Bay Packers to drop dead. Gimmetarians charge society $3,000 to $6,000 in a bid to reduce penis disparagement as much as possible. Democrats remain more confident.
Experts have ideas on how to beat Covid-19 and save the economy. You know who else was an expert? Barack Hussein Obama. It’s OBAMAGATE! LOOK IT UP SHEEPLE! Could you imagine a more horrendous scandal, ever, in human history? Well then, you just might have a job on Trump’s team, because they’re out of ideas with more than 5 months to go.
America’s approval of Donald Trump’s handling of COVID-19 is way down to… way too high. A lot of people do have a lot of problems with Trump. Women in the service industries will be having more problems, as well as the several million that used to have a job.
Ousted government scientist-turned-whistleblower Dr. Richard Bright warns that a dark winter is coming. The New York Times says its health reporter went too far in accurately describing the health risks posed by Donald Trump and the CDC to Americans. Dr. Joseph Fair, science contributor, virologist, and epidemiologist, got too close to the subject he was reporting on, but hopes to recover.
Who says inattentiveness and ineptitude kill people? The US violated sanctions on Russia to buy ventilators made by Russian arms manufacturers, but never quite got around to supplying them to hospitals, saving untold numbers of people that could have burned to death using them. Donald got Vlad some nice American ones, for free.
Wed, 13 May 2020
David Waldman scratches his “Wednesday” chalk mark on the wall, and brings us another KITM. We also welcome Paul Manafort who has been released back into home confinement with the rest of us.
But first, we’re over to Kagro’s Coronavirus Cook’s Corner, where we’re sorry to discover that chicken breast preparation is just one of the things we have been absolutely clueless about. Artisanal marijuana pipe makers never have to worry about such things, you know.
Greg Dworkin assures us that Donald Trump is failing under virtually all polling criteria (thus totally jinxing November’s vote). In those polls, Trump is losing the olds faster than he can kill them. The youngs are still sleepy, but have a few more months to wake up.
It’s not 2016, although if it was, Tim Kaine has completely got it this time. It’s actually more like 2008 all over again, or maybe it’s 1932 all over again. If it were 2016 all over again, maybe they’d have a chance of fixing the polling. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders is positioning himself to be a top member of the Biden parliament.
Republicans have already decided Trump is going to lose, even Donald thinks he’s going to lose, but it’s the haters that hate Trump the most. Words don’t fail to describe all that’s wrong with Trump, they just have a hard time keeping up.
Everyone is tired of this pandemic, but everyone is aware of how it can get worse, and few are dumb enough to put themselves at risk. There are enough dopes out there, however, to screw it up for the lot of us. Donald Trump has no plan. Rand Paul isn’t sure if he’s supposed to be trolling or just plain stupid. Jared Kushner could have definitively stated that there is absolutely no risk in opening the country too soon, but he didn’t.
More art of the deal: Some guy said he’d sell FEMA 10 million masks for $55 million. Good thing FEMA pays COD. A Texas, USA, mask factory begged to deliver millions and were of course, turned down. So, here’s some counterfeit masks.
Tue, 12 May 2020
It’s Tuesday, and as usual David Waldman is joined by Joan McCarter, and us. And, as usual, it works out quite well for all those involved:
Yesterday, Donald Trump graced us all with his presence outside the White House. A couple of women reporters and tough questions and Donald graced us all with his absence. Did you know that all of what Trump says or does distracts from all of what Trump does or says?
Today would be a good day… Unless the Supreme Court pronounces us all pre-wrong and rightness remains in exile. Any day is a good day for inherent contempt charges, just haul’em in and let Vox sort it out.
Know any meatbags that can’t resist the local wet markets, even after you’ve peed on them? Tell them it’s like trigger discipline (while remaining out of range.). We are heading towards 82,000 dead... actually a lot more, but who’s counting? We’re also “celebrating” 9 million total tests. China will perform 11 million, this week. Even if we come up with a vaccine, we might not have the bottles to put it in.
Trump will recognize the threat of coronavirus the moment his temperature crosses 99 degrees, until then he needs you to move quickly towards “freedom”. Republicans want you to get out there, and remember the deficit. First you were after Jared Kushner’s federal PPE stockpile, now you’re coming for his Social Security money, as well? The House CARES 2, but for real.
Putin's spokesman Dmitry Peskov has been hospitalized for coronavirus. Peskov doesn’t make a big deal out of it, thus avoiding future defenestration therapy. Dr. Anthony Fauci understands that the safest place in America is right in front of a TV Camera, and he is there right in front of the Senate acting neighborly to Senator Rand Paul.
The society around Ahmaud Arbery’s neighborhood became much more polite with the addition of an armed Black Panther contingent. No more room for faux pas.
Mon, 11 May 2020
Remember great comedy duos? Stiller and Meara? Burns and Schreiber? Waldman and Dworkin? Few are still with us, and now even less with yesterday’s passing of Jerry Stiller from natural causes... Remember natural causes? That’s right where Donald Trump wants to place COVID-19 in the minds of voters in the next months. Unfortunately for the Republican election campaigns, natural causes are spreading through the White House right now, and thoughts and prayers end up needing PPE and social distancing to be truly effective. Political reality is starting to sink in with Republicans, while non-reality remains Trump’s only hope. Now, if they could only get to 2 million deaths, it would all be perfect. Meanwhile, the coronavirus continues to spread like a stupid Twitter meme.
It is hard to get the exact right people to die in a pandemic. In fact, future scholars might never make it past Donald’s inauguration speech. 9 of our greatest legal minds ponder surviving by slipping out of having responsibility for holding the president responsible for his actions.
Michael Flynn shouldn’t be remeasuring the drapes for his White House office yet, as his judge hasn’t yet dismissed the case. In fact, as expected there is plenty of bumbling involved to sift through first.
We might have an election, and it could turn out well... If someone lets us have one, it might even be a “Reagan vs. Mondale”-style blowout, except this time with the good guys winning. Joe Biden’s VP pick wouldn’t be Dale Bumpers either. The Gop is guarding against any future popularity by threatening Social Security and avoiding parental leave.
Fri, 8 May 2020
If passive resignation is your style, David Waldman isn’t your guy and KITM isn’t the place you want to be. Scram!
You might have noticed that better-managed countries with less stupid and corrupt leadership not only killed less citizens, they kept more of them employed. So, that was two things we had to lose… Donald Trump should be wearing tar and feathers, but somehow avoids even the “indignity” of wearing a mask in public. Other Republicans also worry that being caught in a mask might invalidate their death-cult membership, but Brad Parscale knows that’s just not true.
Coronavirus safety is the number one priority of the White House... Donald Trump’s safety. Viruses are a funny thing however. Hilarious, in fact, as a Trump valet tested positive right after a hamberder run. Wouldn’t it be something if Donald Trump caught a miserable case of COVID-19, leading to maybe a stroke, that who knows, destroyed his ability to talk or use his thumbs, but maybe also enhanced his ability to empathize with the world around him? That would be too horrible to contemplate… or to fantasize daily about. Horrible!
As for you, a cough, sneeze, a toilet flush, standing in a cloud of vaporized meat, all could put you in danger, you brave warrior, you. Not just you, but your children, as coronavirus finds new ways to tear into us. Kind of makes you nostalgic for the days of unending Russian collusion, doesn’t it? (those days are still here.)
Is Joe Biden going down the road of Louis CK and Al Franken? Or of Robert Mueller, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Christoph Waltz, and now Anthony Fauci? Only time, and maybe Jacob Wohl can tell us.
Thu, 7 May 2020
America succumbed to COVID-19, passing away early this morning. David Waldman and Greg Dworkin came by to pay their respects and say a few words (most beginning with the letter “F”) over the grave.
Well-managed countries that handled their coronavirus pandemic correctly, for instance, Germany, are now able to reopen, offering their citizens hope for a semblance of normal life and their businesses a chance to eat our lunch for a millennium or two. Donald Trump sees economic hegemony on one set of trolley tracks and American lives on the other. What will he do?
Well, He can lie about observable reality, in the rare instances he is forced to discuss reality at all. He can destroy faith in all institutions, while simultaneously destroying the institutions. He can make not wearing a mask as patriotic as wearing a gun. He can make dying of pneumonia, stroke and kidney failure fun again.
Wed, 6 May 2020
SURRENDER! The people in his head have spoken, so Donald Trump yesterday welcomed our viral overlords, introduced by our new national anthem. The US coronavirus task force will shut down this month or will run forever, depending on whether you are asking Donald Trump or Donald Trump. It’s all news to Dr. Anthony Fauci and probably anybody else on the force for that matter. And, there’s likely another crisis out there that’s begging for Jared Kushner to solve. On coronavirus, Jared had some buddies, (all legal age with real IDs… honest!) fan out on a PPE hunt, which might have gone better...
Who needs a team anyhow? Donald Trump has solved every problem on COVID-19, even with a lot of other things on his plate and several niggling hoaxes. Nobody knows more about full plates and distractions than Donald Trump.
Of course there will always be haters. Dr. Rick Bright was always prioritizing ‘science and safety’, and look what happened to him. At least dissenting doctors and experts don’t fall out of windows in the US...
Anyway, our couple-month-long war is finally over, everything is back to perfectly normal, get back to work! Our brave warriors—meat plant workers, anyone in a county with a prison, your grandma—will be left on the battlefield, along with soldiers, sailors, farmers, etc., etc., for some cleanup. As in the movies, once the problem is solved in New York City, the credits roll, and people can go home.
Still somehow, Trump finds his favorability ratings receding as fast as his hairline did in the 80’s. Donald has always been ready to sacrifice the all for the good of the one, but it looks like he might not even pull that off this time. The good news is that we have remained united while Republicans became divided between their stupid and their self-centered. Jeanine Pirro wants it both ways.
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin balance the benefits vs. the risks of reopening. Should you go out? Somebody asked seven others, and they weren’t sure. More people now personally know a cautionary tale, unfortunately.
Tue, 5 May 2020
The French were coming down with COVID-19 back in December, long before it was “a thing”. The european strain seems to be more contagious, possibly explaining different infection rates in the our country.
Most Americans prefer not to give or receive coronavirus and are willing to keep it that way. Moscow Mitch McConnell, on the other hand, believes COVID-19 is just the price you pay for your employer’s freedom, and is devoting his time to protect that freedom. Mitch aims to guarantee those freedoms last into perpetuity with lifetime appointments for the judiciary, even if some already appointed have to have those cut short.
The Senate returns to DC. The House doesn’t want to, but isn’t sure exactly why, or what the alternative would be.
Donald Trump takes step after step after step to eliminate Democracy, and why not? Who’s stopping him? He might as well take Social Security with him too. No one came up with those ideas of Donald Trump's signature on checks, addressing cadets at West Point or being interviewed at the Lincoln Memorial. Donald’s helpless, people just boss him around.
Jewish clergy in Missouri, holding to the principal of "pikuach nefesh", or not endangering the lives or health of others, are conscientious objectors to being forced into spreading coronavirus and are demanding absentee voting status. Sean Hannity wants no one endangered if it might come back to bite him.
Dr. Amy “Action” Acton is an educated, expert, Democratic, Jewish woman with authority in Republican-run Ohio, so you know every loon in the state is gunning for her... some with real guns. Incredible loon, Ohio State Representative Nino Vitale is the kind you can spot a mile away, but still believes you and God need to see his face.
Mon, 4 May 2020
A long time ago, in a galaxy not as far away as the election:
It is a period of pandemic and cosplay civil war. Custodians of invaluable information, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have driven the vile gangster Donald Trump into retreat, his strongholds weakening under the weight of their own stupidity, ignorance and deceit, as ever more come to the Biden side….
Trump was right, though. He told us we would have 50,000 deaths, and 60,000 deaths, and 70,000 deaths and even zero deaths. See? Healthcare isn’t so complicated when one keeps their priorities in mind. Trump’s priorities however, are to pretend COVID-19 and Joe Biden don’t exist, and incidentally kill 233,000 more people. An inside look at the Trump administration pandemic panic.
No state is ready to open. Herd immunity will kill millions. The pandemic is hitting counties that voted for Hillary Clinton harder—for now. Red areas are becoming infected, then rushing into blue areas with their infections to make certain Democrats don’t look too smart. In Ohio, they have to skip over the Republican governor and find the private residence of Director of Health Dr. Amy “Action” Acton.
The rest of the world is laughing at Trump.
Fri, 1 May 2020
Mayday! Mayday! David Waldman has one more chance to rescue us before the weekend:
We still don’t know what we are dealing with. Amy “Action” Acton tells us in Ohio to stay safe for another month. Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer risks her own safety to extend her constituents’. Japan extends its cornonvirus state of emergency through their busy giant monster season. Democrats prefer to be safe, Republicans do not, they reached the usual bipartisan agreement. What should you do? You should probably listen to people that can see the forest for the trees, over any particular tree’s nut.
Feel free to sniff your dog’s butt. He may sniff yours also. But don’t let any of your household pets or relatives get that close to anyone else’s, because you don’t know where they’ve been.
If you are appalled at Donald Trump’s stupidity and insensitivity, you don’t want to meet his gut. Jerome Corsi was dumb enough to email federal prosecutors about Fox quack Vladimir Zelenko’s obtaining FDA fast-tracking for Donald’s hydroxychloroquine miracle snake-oil.
A guy just wanted to “Hail victory!” over coronavirus with a feel-good video, but that all depends on the interpretation.
Thu, 30 April 2020
Yes, it’s still April, and it’s still Thursday, and it’s still David Waldman and Greg Dworkin for another day of helping us figure things out:
Great job everybody! Jared Kushner assures us that our first 60 thousand or so COVID-19 deaths have all contributed to Donald Trump’s fantastic success, and you can bet there’ll be a lot more where that came from! Not many Americans share Jared’s positive attitude. Mr. Trump has taken notice of our notable absence of clapping, and his attorneys will be in touch soon.
Virtually no one is dumb enough to trust Donald Trump about coronavirus anymore, but who do you trust? A lot finally trust experts. Few trust social media. (But... if you share CDC posts on Facebook, is that “crossing the streams”?) It also doesn’t help that every place has different rules.
How many whacks does the ‘rona get to kill each of us? No one knows yet, but South Korea finds it might be less than they thought. People who compare coronavirus related deaths to car accidents will be able to just add the two together.
Those of you who often spend time naked, getting peed on, or witnessing bare-bottom farting, will understand what many out there still might not—the importance of masks... Which brings us back to Kagro’s Coronavirus Craft Corner, and the latest in “sock-based” masks. You sure won’t find those at CVS or Walgreens, which is also where you soon will not be able to find expanded free coronavirus testing.
For our economy, happy days are here again! Vultures haven’t been this engorged in 45 years. It’s a grifters feast as well. One guy made one tweet and picked up a nice $69 million for ventilators, and he didn’t even have to deliver them.
Wed, 29 April 2020
Alive? Good for you! The couple thousand that die each day of COVID-19 and coronavirus complications will remain on Donald Trump’s success side of the ledger, which has been extended to 70,000 or so, maybe a million or two, depending upon how much winning is required.
While we’re still kicking, we have some work to do with David Waldman and Greg Dworkin. Listen up.
Comparing COVID-19 deaths to flu deaths Is like comparing deadly catastrophic Apples to mild seasonal Oranges. One difference is that doctors and scientists are actually counting COVID deaths, and finding that they have been undercounting them. The burden of seasonal flu, on the other hand, is an estimate based on mathematical models... which is close enough for influenza work. It is also helpful, when you’re comparing pandemics, by specifying which pandemic that you are referring to.
The American people should see Trump’s coronavirus briefings in their entirety… uhm, to grasp that he’s an awful idiot? Well yes, thanks to the media, there might be people still out there that don’t know that. That tally is dropping, thankfully… unfortunately because of the people dropping dead that we personally know. Most victims are poor, old, and people of color, and not coincidentally, those are the same people who are getting tired of Donald Trump. For those people, Donald wants them all to understand, he feels his pain.
Yesterday, Mike Pence represented all that is Trump, arrogant, and stupid by being the only one at the Mayo Clinic to not wear a mask. In his defense, Mike needs people to see his prissy, smug, phony, sanctimonious, venal... mask of a fawning, shallow, vacant, apparatchik flunky face to fully understand where he is coming from.
Roger Stone is, of course, still alive. At least, he continues to get himself and others in more trouble. Also, the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia will determine whether Congress can hold Trump and the White House accountable on issues, including his coronavirus fiasco.
Tue, 28 April 2020
David Waldman delivers a KITM on… Eh, who cares what day it is? People will be able to pinpoint this era on the rings of trees:
Yesterday, with breath like a McDonald’s in a pine forest and pupils like hockey pucks, Donald Trump had yet another not-worth-the-time briefing, because unlike everyone else on earth, Trump can’t get enough Trump. What Trump said was irrelevant.
When we respond to a pandemic correctly, less people die. When less people die, more idiots stay alive, that’s just science. Tucker Carlson deduces that since he’s still alive, it can’t be too bad. Grifters wonder if maybe this was a grift they’ve been left out of. Red states suggest that instead of tedious testing and the chore of governing, maybe, if we doubt coronavirus, we should set it free, and if it comes back... well, then thousands more die.
Asparagus Zucchini does what no two other vegetables can, recording a report on how the pandemic strengthens Andrew Yang’s case for universal basic income. Nancy Pelosi has deemed “guaranteed income” worthy of her attention.
Mon, 27 April 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wrap up their special KITM coronavirus coverage after Donald Trump calls off the crisis. Group hug, everybody!
Not really. I’m just being sarcastic.
Donald Trump’s experiment with small venues for his comedy tour might be coming to an end. Geraldo Rivera and Dr. Deborah Birx aren’t a big enough claque for Donald to roll on, and Mike Pence can only Hi-Yo so much. Why don’t reporters laugh at Donald’s jokes? Why don’t they please, laugh him off the stage? Why don’t reporters please work together?
How does Hope Hicks not do it?
Trump continues to sink, now hugging the bottom of his polling gully, as his big beautiful electoral map turns against him. Trump’s hope to set whites against non-whites is failing as he is only pitting people who embrace bigotry over those that don’t, and that ratio just keeps falling every day. Moscow Mitch McConnell wants states to go bankrupt. Viruses do not care about red states vs. blue states.
Captain Brett Crozier will return to the USS Theodore Roosevelt, if only Trump can pretend not to notice. Meanwhile that aircraft carrier, as well as other petri dishes, may teach us a lot, if only to teach us that we know so little. We still don’t know how the coronavirus is killing us, and the ways it kills us seem to be multiplying.
Fri, 24 April 2020
While we are marvelling at Trump’s ever weakening mind, David Waldman turns our attention to behind the scenes where in it is survival of the most corrupt. Everyone knows that Trump and Jared use their authority over contracting and allocation for political gain. After all, word of mouth is what drives their business model. Using merit and oversight in hiring government officials makes skimming much less efficient and totalitarianism incomplete. David explains how Project Airbridge is organized crime.
Thu, 23 April 2020
The difficulty with listening to KITM regularly is being aware of the things your friends won’t find out for days or weeks from now. Things your relatives might not figure out for months. David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us up-to-date-to-the-future:
Brian Kemp opens Georgia for bowling and tattoos, but is anyone dumb enough to buy what he’s selling? Donald Trump was dumb enough to tell Kemp to open, but smart enough to knife him in the back after… or is that the other way around? The Insane Clown Posse ends up as a voice of reason and good governance over what they’re offering. Even Republicans voters know better.
COVID-19 ain’t the flu. A blood-clotting complication is killing patients. Coronavirus might cause strokes in young adults. There might soon be a shortage of dialysis machines. Dozens of grocery store workers have died, so maybe it’s time to keep customers away from them. Maybe it’s time to go on a diet. Meat packing closures might make many vegetarians soon. Finally, Donald Trump brings the US in ahead of schedule!
The Trump administration was probably too willfully ignorant for anyone to ever figure out how ignorant it ever was. Staff caught opening their mouth, or eyes, had them shut. Eventually the light might shine. The electorate is catching on. Democrats maintain their lead. As if by magic, Donald begins to disappear. The ballot box will feel us.
Wed, 22 April 2020
There might be more important things than living, but not if it means missing KITM!
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin welcome another Earth Day with us. Remember, we are all quarantined here together. Air pollution could be ‘key contributor’ to Covid-19 death, so you know… try to cut your emissions.
Brian Kemp tells Georgians to drop dead. Well, the black ones anyhow. Right after they catch up on everyone’s nails, but before they catch up on their bills. South Dakota can’t find enough black people to blame, but meat-packing plants across the country suspect those sick workers who always refuse to be insubordinate, and of course, the usual oppressive federal regulations.
The people behind telling you to shut up and get back to work are those people that usually tell you to shut up and get back to work. The glut of people to blame and kill would be an embarrassment of riches for Donald Trump if Trump was embarrassed by riches. Trump is embarrassed by women journalists, however. 32 millionaire CEOs weren’t embarrassed taking small business PPP loans.
Most people don’t believe crowds are the safe place to be right now. In fact, a vast majority want to stay at home. Many seniors resist dying to reelect Trump. Several people have been infected by daring to vote in Wisconsin.
By the way, Russia interfered to help Trump in 2016 election.
Tue, 21 April 2020
If it’s Tuesday, and there is David Waldman, there is KITM. David wouldn’t miss this for all the tea in Texas.
It turns out that those hoards of morons at state capitols are pretty small and insignificant. After all, news photographers get lonely and bored just like the rest of us. How big does a nexus of infectious superspreaders have to be, anyhow? Georgia, Tennessee and South Carolina hope to find out soon, and will be passing the news to their neighbors without delay. These massages will not end happily.
The problem with reopening is no one knows what’s on the other side of the door. Everybody knows someone sick or dying. But nobody knows the many that are sick but don’t even know they are sick. Nobody yet knows all the ways to become sick with coronavirus. There’s COVID nose, COVID toes, and everything awful in between. There might even be a cure someday.
Many people don’t know, many people begged Donald Trump to kill millions, but he instead banned China and invented hydroxychloroquine... remember? Trump continues his fight against the
Joan McCarter calls in with potato horticulture tips. (Step one, put them in dirt.)
Is Congress not working remotely, or not remotely working? There might be a deal for more money to small businesses and hospitals, but the chances of actual small businesses in blue states getting any are as low as usual. The coronavirus pandemic is ravaging city budgets, with more than 2,100 cities slashing programs and staff. Steven Mnuchin is still letting banks seize people's coronavirus stimulus checks, but those on Supplemental Security Income will have an easier time.
Some of the lowest-income Social Security beneficiaries were given less than 48 hours to register their eligible children for an additional $500 coronavirus payment, or wait a year.
Mon, 20 April 2020
Each day we learn more about how COVD-19 destroys people, and destroys society, but also how to fight it, and to grow beyond it someday. More evidence in the spread of coronavirus on the USS Theodore Roosevelt, and France aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle points to the value in detecting and following asymptomatic spreading.
The fight continues. Donald Trump was forced to take his MAGA rallies into the White House for a month or so, but they’re back on the road again, as moron armies head out of the rural red into the urban blue for their opportunity to become human smallpox blankets and own the libs. Healthcare workers now become human shields. Trump wins!—as thousands more die—but for Donald, at least they’re angry, armed and clutching Confederate flags.
Maybe these aren’t the most solidly calculated plans to win over the electorate for 2020. It won’t be 2016 this year. All of the states are now the battleground.Trump retains his iron grip on second place.
Choose between being 6 feet apart or 6 feet under!
Fri, 17 April 2020
Thank God it’s Friday! It’s the last Friday of the week, right before David Waldman goes away for a couple of days, but he made sure we didn’t go away empty handed, eared… headed:
Donald Trump’s plan to stampede everyone for the exits as he slips out the back way was presented to the nation last night. Great news for Sean Hannity, who’s lately been fantasizing about some of the two-fisting hotdog action social distancing denied him... Perhaps all of us should remain concerned about all that we are sticking in our mouths. Indeed, we might all go on a diet soon, as food processing plants close across the nation. 55% of all coronavirus cases in South Dakota can be traced to one Smithfield Foods pork plant.
The United States hasn’t “flattened the curve”. Actually, the only thing that has flattened out is the rate of testing. 60% of the cases on the U.S. aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt are asymptomatic, thus making reopening... suicide.
MAGA Kool-Aid ingredient hydroxychloroquine is fine for soaking the rubes, but actually there could be some drugs out there that genuinely do something. The UK blows $20 million on some cheap Chinese knockoffs.
Trump demanded senators either return to town or adjourn. The Senate said “No, thank you.” Art of the deal.
Charlie Kirk not only identifies as a black man, but incredibly, as a black man that likes Charlie Kirk. The Daily Caller writes a story, then asks Republicans to make it news. Elon Musk already received the heroic accolades, therefore why should he put effort into heroic deeds?
Thu, 16 April 2020
David Waldman exorcised his Skype demons successfully to bring us our Thursday KITM:
Donald Trump led the rats that follow him outside yesterday, and announced his “Opening Our Country to Coronavirus” council, live on TV, broadcast to the CEOs he plans to blame in the future. Donald also promised to adjourn Congress, off the scoreboard, off the bank board, no rim.
Sure, Trump didn’t really do anything for months on the COVID-19 pandemic, but... what if he found out a couple of weeks earlier... hmm? He probably then would have found the chance to blame the WHO earlier, that’s what. The Gop just wasn’t built for this government thing.
Greg Dworkin reminds us that when we say it, we indeed spray it. Dr. Oz assures us that only a couple of our kids will die out of every hundred kids, and really... how many is that? And, about half of secondary cases are infected during the presymptomatic stage, so without antibody and contact testing, the people "restarting" the economy probably won't know what hit them for a week or so.
The White House secured facemasks for themselves while publicly discouraging them, because if they hadn’t, you would have them and they wouldn’t. Also, FEMA gave a $55,000,000 no-bid contract to a bankrupt company with no employees for N95 masks at 7 times the price. All this is what is known as “the art of the deal”.
Wed, 15 April 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin rate today’s Skype call a zero, but still are able to broadcast a four star KITM:
Following Monday’s perfect press briefing, as states begin to assemble confederations to rebel against a tyrannical federal rule, Donald Trump returned to clarify his intentions. Governors can either choose to do what Trump says, or what Trump means… and if they screw up, they only have themselves to blame.
Republican Representative Joseph A. Hollingsworth III, fifty millionaire, Wharton School alumni is, of course, pro-life... Not yours, of course. Some Americans will pay their lives to sustain the American way of life.
Trump trolls millions by tagging his name to stimulus checks and making recipients wait while he does it. Will you have to pay back the stimulus check? No. Will you actually, really get a check? Maybe. Trump stiffs the WHO on a $100 million bill.
Most people would violate social distancing and Constitutional rules to vote Donald Trump out of office today, but why hurry? Trump’s polling is only going to get worse, as the Bidenmentum grows. Picking a good VP will be the easiest decision of Joe’s entire career.
Tue, 14 April 2020
Tuesday? Does it feel like “Tuesday” to you? I bet it’s still “April”, too.
Joan McCarter keeps track of such things and shows up right on schedule for today’s KITM with David Waldman.
We seem to be in the world’s dumbest Star Trek episode, when the away team is always the same 5 idiots and a couple of redshirts. Our captain of course has to be this dim-witted lunatic who had yet another meltdown yesterday. Who could have predicted that? President FDT is no FDR, or Truman, or Hoover, and was hardly even himself once he discovered his campaign commercial didn’t shut up all those questions on how he saved America through knee-jerk racism in January followed by… absolutely nothing. At least you know he boosted the ratings going into tonight’s show!
The world-wide disaster continues. One third of the NHS staff tested in the UK have coronavirus. Sweden calmly watches the tsunami approach. Back in the USA, South Dakota’s rugged individualists herded themselves into tight enclosures over at the Smithfield foods plant, infecting 450 workers. Trump fan, Governor Kristi Noem, plans to send all the infected down the chute where hydroxychloroquine waits for them. Don’t worry China, you’ll still get your pork shipments. Unfortunately, California does not have herd immunity. A million people in New York City might however, and there is only one way to find out.
While you wait for your big $1,200 check, millionaires split up a bonus $90 billion, a surprise to Democrats, but not so much Donald Trump and Jared Kushner. Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer try to keep emergency aid for hospitals and unemployed away from the most dangerous man in America, Moscow Mitch McConnell. Time to play chicken with Trump.
Mon, 13 April 2020
David Waldman was an early adopter of social distancing years before it was cool. Like all of us, David chafed a bit at the toilet paper deficit, although he doesn’t miss spiral ham all that much. Yet now, there’s a hair product shortage for us guys with problem hair? Well… we ask you to bear with us in these difficult times.
Church vs. State showdowns have demonstrated that the state can’t stop churches and churches can’t stop COVID-19. A meat plant closes after 293 workers test positive. The USS Theodore Roosevelt has 600 sailors ill with coronavirus, more than 500 after they fired the Captain, and now the first has died. George Stephanopoulos’ got it.
Greg Dworkin reports the latest on the apocalyptic fight between truth and propaganda, and for the moment, the truth seems to have a bit of an edge over deep-voiced gravitas-filled lying. Donald Trump even had to skip a couple of MAGA briefings while he determined how to handle scene-stealing extras.
We learned a few lessons after the 1918 flu pandemic, some we remembered, some we forgot over the years. Many states go it alone this time. While he’s at it, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam fixed many concerns all at once.
And all that is why Joe Biden has a teeny tiny teeny little lead. Joe still has time to turn this into a landslide as long as he doesn’t pick Joe Lieberman for veep, or Trump doesn’t kill the Post Office or the Constitution first.
Fri, 10 April 2020
David Waldman sends us off by ourselves, but first a KITM:
Donald Trump just wishes he could wash his hands half as well as Pontius Pilate. The stains of this could last as long. Nonetheless, Trump plans to reopen America to coronavirus, ASAP. Donald’s plan would be to close our eyes, shove some of our kids outside and see if the Dow goes up. Important people, of course, would stay behind to repopulate the earth. Maybe they will keep the people that bring them stuff alive as well.
COVID-19 begins to devastate Latin America. Scientists track the coronavirus disaster around the world. Google searches might predict emerging outbreaks, and our robot friends might be checking in on us to see how we are doing. Scientists (and others) might follow us on our phones to see if we have the ‘rona… or to monitor our heart function, ECG, EKG, AFib... balance… blood sugar… Parkinson’s disease...
Thu, 9 April 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin help us keep informed and keep the faith:
Donald Trump has won the war with coronavirus! Go ahead, stick your head up out of your fox hole and smell the victory. Trump told you anyone that wants a test can get a test at drive-thru testing in parking lots across the country, with 1700 engineers creating a beautiful site on Google, and yet people still aren’t happy. Even his pity bump is beginning to fade.