Apr 17, 2020
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Thank God it’s Friday! It’s the last Friday of the week, right before David Waldman goes away for a couple of days, but he made sure we didn’t go away empty handed, eared… headed:
Donald Trump’s plan to stampede everyone for the exits as he slips out the back way was presented to the nation last night. Great news for Sean Hannity, who’s lately been fantasizing about some of the two-fisting hotdog action social distancing denied him... Perhaps all of us should remain concerned about all that we are sticking in our mouths. Indeed, we might all go on a diet soon, as food processing plants close across the nation. 55% of all coronavirus cases in South Dakota can be traced to one Smithfield Foods pork plant.
The United States hasn’t “flattened the curve”. Actually, the only thing that has flattened out is the rate of testing. 60% of the cases on the U.S. aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt are asymptomatic, thus making reopening... suicide.
MAGA Kool-Aid ingredient hydroxychloroquine is fine for soaking the rubes, but actually there could be some drugs out there that genuinely do something. The UK blows $20 million on some cheap Chinese knockoffs.
The Russians sold the US ventilators last week. We gave them to Russia this week. Art of the deal.
Trump demanded senators either return to town or adjourn. The Senate said “No, thank you.” Art of the deal.
Charlie Kirk not only identifies as a black man, but incredibly, as a black man that likes Charlie Kirk. The Daily Caller writes a story, then asks Republicans to make it news. Elon Musk already received the heroic accolades, therefore why should he put effort into heroic deeds?
Joseph A. Hollingsworth III, pro-life Republican who prefers you die, wants to sell you something first.