Mar 17, 2021
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David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wore green and attempted to drive the snakes from KITM World Headquarters this morning, but that’s trickier than you’d guess.
Robert Aaron Long had a bad day yesterday, entering three Atlanta Georgia spas and killing 8 people, most of them Asian women, at least half of them Korean. Who did he really hate? Asians? Women? Everyone? We probably won’t need to speculate much further, as Long was treated as gently as any young white male neckbeard should expect, and will probably snag an exclusive prime-time interview by next week to plug his gofundme.
Joe Biden finally will hold his first news conference in 48 years! No, Biden’s had a few in the past, but Joe still must act quickly, as a news-starved nation reaches out to him for their latest Megan Markle take. President Biden actually does talk to the press. We now know that his dog Major is a good boy, Andrew Cuomo might be a bad boy, Vladimir Putin is a very bad boy, and the filibuster is trash.
Republicans who think the Chamber of Commerce is “woke” and Marjorie Taylor Green is being politicized, promise to destroy democracy, if their prime tool to destroy the democracy, the filibuster, is threatened. It is time once again for our regularly scheduled Republican Constitutional/economic disaster while Joe plans to pass the hat and pay the bills. Expect Republicans to again let loose their dick army, loaded with the same talking points from 1993, 1965, and 1935. Meanwhile, Wall Street learns to forgive and forget Republican treasonists.
The White House is set to unveil a wide-reaching, billion-dollar campaign aimed at convincing every American to get vaccinated. Boneheads will remain a challenge, and especially dislike being called boneheads. Donald Trump never said he wanted Republicans to die from COVID-19, by the way. The Catholic church also didn’t say the Johnson & Johnson vaccine shouldn’t be accepted, they would just prefer you try all the other vaccines first. China shows up with a brand new vaccine. Moderna is testing theirs with young kids. Too late for the Brazilian Juma people.