Fri, 31 July 2020
Do you remember a time when we weren't mired in the pandemic, and we pretended we didn't know who was going to be the Democratic nominee? If you're like me, then there's no way in the world that you do! Luckily, when that actually happened, on July 31st of last year, we recorded it, like a time capsule!
David Waldman wanted to have an in-depth discussion of last night’s Democratic presidential debate, but would be, as per KITM rules, held to 480 fifteen second rebuttals. Your friends and neighbors will be glad to tell you who “won”, as would complete strangers, but David instead invited Joan McCarter, who can prove she paid some attention last night, even to the Hickenlooper parts… In sum: Bernie and Elizabeth Butch and Sundanced their way through all the b-listers Jake Tapper could throw at them, while Marianne Williamson pegged the clap-o-meter... yada, yada, yada, on to Biden-night.
Russia and 2020 election security loom large for Moscow Mitch McConnell in the nomination of Representative/Loon John Ratcliffe to be director of national intelligence. Susan Collins is deeply concerned as the deciding vote, as she is deeply concerned about the reaction to all of her votes since Brett Kavanaugh.
Moscow Mitch McConnell threatened to take away Republican’s recess if they don’t reach the 60-vote threshold he needs on the upcoming debt ceiling budget vote. The House did their part, easily passing their agreement and eliminating policy provisions restricting money to Trump’s wall… Armando calls in to say “Wait. WHAT ?!?”
Thu, 30 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us breaking news: We’re doomed… Plus:
Donald Trump made history yet again today, with the worst ever US economy dump. In response, Trump tweeted a morning implausible scenario suggestion. It’s implausible because, well Constitution, duh... Also, why bother when taking out swing state urban centers require much less effort? Not delivering mail takes less effort than delivering, for instance.
Herman Cain took one for the team, and probably won’t even be thanked for his service. There will be plenty of time for all of us to play high school football in heaven, but right now we have to deal with a pandemic and economic collapse.
Republicans are completely unprepared for any scenario, including heaven apparently. Utter and total defeat might not be enough to teach them a damn thing… but, you know what, that’s ok. Democrats, IT’S CLOBBERATION TIME!
Why would $600 make anyone lazier? The Trump family stole $170 million dollars, and they’re all still out there hustling. Turning Point USA’s Bill Montgomery died from coronavirus, and Charlie Kirk was right there to pick up the pieces and Bill’s wallet.
Brett Kavanaugh is here to tell us that Brett’s the kind of guy Kavanaugh always said he was.
And — Darwin H.M., @Darwin_Darko describes how West Point fails its mission and graduates with its retreat from meaningfully addressing systemic racism.
Wed, 29 July 2020
Joe Biden hasn’t yet announced his VP choice, so David Waldman and Greg Dworkin present a KITM that we can listen to while we wait:
Have you been saving your urine for something important? Dr. Stella Immanuel wants dibs. If he scores that second term, Donald Trump is on the record as being very impressed with Stella’s Witchfinder General curriculum vitae. Her ABEM seems kinda FUBAR though.
Trump’s declining approval now includes Republican declining approval. Donald Trump faces a much bigger task than he did in 2016 The thing is, Donald has never been that big on tasks. Absentee voting requests are skyrocketing. Republicans can only wish dead people voted as often as they’ve claimed. Donald turned off the lights in Michigan, just as Joe turned them on in Georgia. Trump is losing blue collars in Scranton. Independents go blue everywhere. Joe’s voters begin to feel the love, Donald’s are just going to stick around until one of them dies. You can believe the polls, if not the interpreters.
Republicans literally can’t believe the mess they’re in. Like their constituents, they need to really feel the symptoms before they can imagine the illness. By the way, Louis Gohmert has tested positive. How a neurological disease latched onto those three brain cells, we might never know. If these guys can't deal with a pandemic in their midst, how can they deal with… anything? Don’t worry, Donald Trump assures us that federal troops will be deploying into urban centers in swing states with vaccine guns in the near future.
What does Donald talk to Vlad about? Oh, nothing important.
Martha McSally promised voters that her campaign would "suspend all campaign fundraising" but she didn’t say they wouldn’t be collecting a little pocket money.
Black Lives Matter protests attract white supremacists, boogs, Hells Angels Aryan Cowboy Brotherhood, etc., and Black lives are probably not their #1 priority. The “Umbrella Man” was a white supremacist. Meanwhile, if you’re walking to your post office, and one fed says “Hands up!”, while the other says “Freeze!”, you just disobeyed one of them, a federal offence. Here, sign this.
Tue, 28 July 2020
It’s been a while since Markos Molulitsas presented the first Daily Kos as a series of sung limericks set to David Waldman’s lute accompaniment. Each update has improved the accessibility, interactivity, readability, and style over the last… although you might not feel that yet. You’ll miss this version when it’s gone!
Tuesday KITMs still feature Joan McCarter, because you know we don’t want a riot!
If you want to relive classic web design, head over to FirePowerMinistry.org (when it’s up). Dr. Stella Immanuel, the leader of Fire Power Ministries believes in alien DNA, demon sperm, hydroxychloroquine and Donald Trump. Donald also believes in hydroxychloroquine and Trump, so he was happy to spread Dr. Stella’s word, which has now been removed from YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Nothing will ever shake Donald Trump’s deep and abiding faith in Donald Trump, Donald’s adoration to the glory of Trump could never be usurped by mere human hardships and lamentations... especially yours.
Which brings us back to coronavirus, and those people that just don’t “get it” until they catch it. Arkansas Senator Jason Rapert introduced a bill to ban gay marriage, and unfortunately hasn’t yet been caught in a gay affair. However, Rapert did call coronavirus a hoax, and now he’s in the hospital for Covid-19. At least 10 in the Tennessee legislature have tested positive for coronavirus. It sure will take us a long time if every Republican has to learn this way. A judge has determined that belching virus at each other is not free speech, so that’s a start.
Meanwhile, more than two dozen lifeguards working the Jersey shore have tested positive for COVID-19. A couple hundred students have been exposed to coronavirus while taking their ACT tests. And, Ohio’s never been the same without Dr. Amy “Action!” Acton.
If you’ve been reading this wondering, “Wait! There seems to be a lot of money to be made here! How can I cash in?”, well, there are plenty of success stories to consider. Take for instance, the Florida man that applied for $4 million in Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans, and was able to buy himself a brand-new Lamborghini Huracán! If you run a hospital in a Trump supporting state with a Trump supporting mayor you can say goodbye to supplies and equipment shortages… until you do, then tough luck. Finally, a National Guard officer whistleblows on the Trump-Barr Lafayette Park photo op.
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer reject Mitch McConnell’s COVID-19 bill. Bernie Sanders isn’t that big a fan either. Republicans are in disarray, but not in a big hurry to figure out the bill’s particulars. Donald Trump seems to be the only one ready to go for the bill, but in case he balks they can always take a chunk out of Social Security. If people can’t live on present unemployment insurance, Republicans wonder how they’ll do on less.
Trump’s announcement that he would pitch at Yankee Stadium on Aug. 15? Yep, a lie.
Mon, 27 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin don’t contend with snow, nor rain, nor gloom of night, but at least they deliver KITM on time.
Donald Trump isn’t even not president yet and he’s receding from public consciousness. Oh, he’s still around, and he’s still awful, but he’s lit so many fires that it’s all just one conflagration, and you can hardly see him for the flames. Voters know a vote for Joe Biden is a vote against the inferno more than anything else.
There has NEVER been a boat parade for Joe, though… and, if there wasn’t an ongoing pandemic, vicious occupying armies, an historic economic crisis, and Donald Trump as a candidate, conventional wisdom would hold that the presidential race should be tightening about now, but… Trump is losing Florida as bad as Ron DeSantis, and no one has worked harder to lose Florida than Ron DeSantis. Trump is spread thin, however, by also losing in Michigan, Arizona, and North Carolina. Anywhere coronavirus is winning, Republicans are losing. Even old white people don’t like to get burnt so often.
Public health failures, ironically, will continue to take down the popularity of the people that made public health political. Schools opening will soon close, unfortunately because children and teachers will soon become sick. And don’t get me started on USPS delays, this is the second week I missed my Friday night Netflix movie... Damn Postmaster General, multi-million-dollar major Trump donor, Louis DeJoy!
Politics continue to be rough and tumble. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez handed Ted Yoho his ass, and Ted in turn handed in his resignation to Bread for the World. Former Senator Chris Dodd goes old-school on Kamala Harris for taking a chunk out of Joe in a debate.
Donald Trump is running the country like he ran Trump University, and as usual, no one is learning a damn thing. The U.S. Ambassador to Iceland knows how much people hate the Trump administration, but doesn’t quite understand how little people really care about him.
Fri, 24 July 2020
Kagro in the Morning welcomes the new Washington Football Team and their new mascot, “Mascot”. Goooo “Team”!
David Waldman also celebrates the return of the celebrated author of The Tribalization of Politics: How Rush Limbaugh's Race-Baiting Rhetoric on the Obama Presidency Paved the Way for Trump, Ian Reifowitz. (The book that makes a great back-to-school gift!)
Donald Trump retreats from Jacksonville, his no-doubt stubby little tail between his legs, because Republicans are afraid of catching the sniffles. Too bad, it looked like it was going to turn into a real Klanbake, except without anyone as woke as say... Calvin Coolidge.
When someone says “both sides are just as bad”, what they are trying to tell you is, that they have determined that they are better than everyone else. They might be. But, never let anyone compare Democrats with Republicans, because there really is no comparison.
Nothing brings down neighborhood crime like a parade of jackboots, and Donald Trump purports to plan to send tens of thousands of pairs to certain Democratic strongholds in certain swing states around a certain election season. Steven Miller says troops should, in fact, be greeted as liberators, if they know what’s good for them. Steven Miller’s grandmother won’t have Steven dirtying her sofa during the holidays anymore. On the sad side, it’s because she died of COVID-19, so the rest of the Millers will still have to look at him.
Immigration, healthcare and various other problems will also be fixed in the next 9 days.
Michael Cohen was put into solitary confinement to shut him up about Donald Trump. Now, he’s being released from prison to shut him up about Donald Trump. Vladimir Putin is probably wondering whatever happened to all of our 5th floor windows.
Matt Gaetz improperly sent tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars to a limited liability company linked to a speech-writing consultant who was ousted from the Trump administration, who will soon be introduced as his son.
Ohio House Speaker Larry Householder laundered a $60 million bribe to shift billions of dollars to individuals around payday-loan, coal, and nuclear interests. That is the what it took for him to get caught. Imagine what he did on his way to working up to that score.
Thu, 23 July 2020
A person, woman, man, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin.
Donald Trump remembered five things once, purportedly, and he’ll never let us forget it. If only more people’s memories were better before 2016, we’d have long forgotten Donald Trump by now. Now, Republicans climb over each other trying to find the way out. Unfortunately, Donald is on the top of that pile, kicking them in the head.
Goon squads fan out across the US. A little “urban security” in just the right swing-state cities and Donald Trump won’t have to “refuse to leave”. Come 2021, Trump will still be there, totally legally, or legally enough. What are you going to do about it, arrest him? Or, arrest his goons, whomever they might be? Why look, there’s head goon Chad Wolf standing right there, breaking the law right now. Slap the cuffs on him, why don’t you? Pick up the goon ahead of him while you’re there. They’re all accomplices, right? You better not miss any, it’s goons from top to bottom. What—are you afraid? Does your mother have to go in there for you? Just look at what Donald Trump can get away with, with only a tiny number of idiots in all of the right places.
On second thought, don’t bug your mom. She has a tough enough time figuring out what to do about school this year. Everyone does. Data shows that coronavirus infections are much higher than the reported cases. Of course, a reason for that is because of the cases not being reported, or mishandled or misinterpreted. You don’t need numbers if you are in the middle of it, though.
Wed, 22 July 2020
The long-awaited KITM house band began to take form with today’s in-show delivery of an actual piano, which of course, went as smoothly as expected. Hey, regular listeners to David Waldman expect a little hubbub in the background, as much as they expect Greg Dworkin’s thrice weekly informative cross-talk and polls. No one will be disappointed.
Donald Trump’s new tone is still flat. Only it’s the same old tune, and there’s no encore. Well, Donald wouldn’t mind another duet with Ghislaine Maxwell. (They are kind of soul mates, you know.) But Trump can tell you, COVID-19 is death for ratings, and there is much excitement nobody has yet contemplated that needs to be very strongly addressed in the next two weeks. For instance, federal troops have to be called to end the scourge of uppityness flaring up in Detroit and Chicago, and Ukraine. However, moms know best. And, no one in any town is going to let them touch their mom!
Coronavirus doesn’t care. People have assessed the risk and know to mask it or casket. Winn-Dixie will no longer cater to the stupid customer. Three quarters of voters know the way to go is not the way they are going and plan to do something about it in November (or sooner). Even undecided voters have kind of decided.
Republicans are in disharmony… disarrangement if you will. Kansas Republicans’ hearts just aren’t in it, leaving Democrats to raise money for jerk, grifter, Republican Kris Kobach. In turn, Republicans put time, money and John Kasich to work for Joe Biden. It’s a crazy world.
The two rich old white loons that pointed guns at protesters now have felony charges, and plenty of rich old white loon fans. There is one less misogynistic racist psychopath on earth. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez discovered a few things about Ted Yoho’s mental stability.
Real estate salesman Donald Trump hoped to get back on top of the big board with the help of the American ambassador to Britain, but fell a bit short. Republican Steve Watkins can show you three felony charges that prove the existence of voter fraud.
Tue, 21 July 2020
David Waldman is out, but not out of stories to share! David couldn’t bear to leave us empty-eared, so he burned the afternoon oil at KITM World Headquarters to produce a special pre-recorded show for today!
Do you reside in a city with a federal building or property, maybe a post office? Do you disagree with Donald Trump’s handling of… anything? Are you insufficiently loyal? Then, you might be excited to hear that Ken Cuccinelli has a van with your name on it. Actually, the van has no name on it, and the guys climbing out will be masked with no identification, all adding to the excitement for everyone. Even if you are the shy, retiring type, Q-shirt volunteers will have their ears to the ground in every neighborhood, trained to root out baby cannibals like you and me. The whole operation isn’t quite up to Russian standards as yet, but that ambition is certainly present here, today.
Democratic leaders are asking the FBI for an urgent briefing on members of Congress being targeted by a foreign operation, employing known tool Ron Johnson.
Before you are disappeared, you might want to first consider whether or not you want to send your child into one of the largest unregulated experiments ever conducted. If you are rich... well, there’s a lot of things you don’t have to consider, because if public schools aren’t private enough for you, and neither are private schools, there’ll always be your money to fix things. If you are medium-rich, you still have online learning, sort of. If your child is not white, that might lead to jail, however.
Ritchie Torres is not white. In fact, he is expected to be the first openly gay Afro-Latino man in Congress. Congress is literally not ready for someone both Black and Latinx, as Torres can’t join both the Black and Hispanic caucuses.
You knew that Ailes and O'Reilly weren’t the end of it over at Fox News. Maybe, soon, the rape and sexual violence there will taper off, now that there’s a lawsuit on Ed Henry for rape and the current top talent on harassment. With those guys gone, it will cut in half the security demands for the Republican convention.
Mon, 20 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin, disquisition and persiflage, weather and traffic on the 10s:
Then, Fox News grandpa wandered into Fox News. What was he thinking? Donald Trump couldn’t walk out of Fox News when he had something to prove. Fox News couldn’t throw softball questions at Trump when they had something to prove. But—had Donald chose this moment to announce his new VP choice, none of Trump’s little gaffes would be a concern today.
Meanwhile, unmarked cars, with unidentified abductors, kidnap people to unidentified locations. They warn witnesses that if they follow, they will be shot. In the United States of America. Trump is attempting in Portland what he plans for all of us, to motivate us all to switch from paint cans and water bottles over to molotov cocktails and IEDs. Some day, they’ll erect statues to the real heros.
The COVID-19 pandemic is here. BORING! Donald Trump searches for fun elsewhere. He’d rather not talk about it, and would prefer the CDC stayed quiet as well. Others can’t leave the subject, or their hospital beds for that matter. Older children spread coronavirus as well as adults, and work longer hours. Teachers will need to wear masks, sheilds, caps, and should update their wills.
Science marches on. Oxford and AstraZeneca might have a vaccine that increases antibodies and immunity. The Lancet describes phase 1 & 2 trials of vaccines that are both safe and effective—the two things you’d want in a vaccine! Almost too good to be completely true, a scientist has developed a paint that kills coronavirus on contact, wiping out the virus for months... like Raid for COVID… or maybe it’s like Teflon, and the viruses just slide off?
People on the front lines are creating new solutions every day, such as this paramedic’s innovative way to communicate with hard of hearing patients while wearing a face mask.
Former DOJ attorney John Yoo resurfaces, disappointing those who hoped he was a bit more absorbent than buoyant. Yoo says Trump has gone too far… No wait, John has a book coming out, and Trump’s the Good Guy, therefore the Supreme Court are the Baddies. Then there’s Allen West! Say no more.
The good news is Joe Biden, and there’s nothing Donald Trump can do about it. The election is closer than you think, although everybody on Earth wouldn’t mind it a little sooner. Including John Kasich!
Fri, 17 July 2020
What can David Waldman tell you that you don’t know already? Let’s find out!
Government Secret Police kidnap citizens in Portland, Oregon, thus hindering the regular police activity of indiscriminate brutality… or probably enhancing it. In fact, there are so many boogaloo army wannabes flooding the area, that “graffiti vandals” had to be upgraded to “antifa soldiers” just to meet the demand.
Then there’s COVID-19... or not, as it is becoming illegal to know such things anymore. Gimmetarian game show host Chuck Woolery found out the hard way… which is the only way he’d ever learn. Florida’s emergency operations center dies from COVID. Governor Brian Kemp wrests Georgian’s life jackets away and throws victims overboard. Almost 40% of Americans are stupid enough to trust Donald Trump on the pandemic.
It’s no mystery—COVID-19 is not the flu, and kids are catching it. A second strain might be more infectious, but that might not matter. Russians are in such a hurry for a vaccine, they aren’t waiting for Donald trump to slip them a copy.
Justin Amash was so sick of Republicans, that quitting the party wasn’t enough for him. How many felonies does Kansas Representative Steve Watkins have to commit before people will see the threat of voter fraud?
Thu, 16 July 2020
It’s Thursday on KITM, and David Waldman welcomed Greg Dworkin for the third time this week, only to discover in a shocking twist that Greg was always cake.
“Executive underreach” is not the term for what Mike Pence does in Trump staff meetings… it actually describes how demagogic populists like Donald Trump weaken the countries they occupy, in order to strengthen their hold over them. That’s why Trump won’t help even Gop governors—because no one is on Team Trump other than Donald Trump. Congresswoman Elissa Slotkin discovered that Donald Trump is the enemy of democracy, and believes she might have been the first to notice. (She is not.) In fact, Donald has been giving Vladimir Putin the ol’ executive underreach for quite some time now, by pushing the CIA to pass intelligence to Russia that could be used to assassinate Chechen dissidents in Europe, while taking no action as Russia armed the Taliban and trained jihadis in Syria.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt thought he was King Stitt, trolling Libs without a mask or social distancing, but he was a just another stupid Stitt at Trump’s Tulsa rally, and a lazy Stitt at that, who would rather pull a trigger than put effort and responsibility into protecting his family. A few more rallies and there should be no more Stitts to give.
America knows what to do about coronavirus, but is failing to do it. Hospitals in Texas, Arizona and Florida are filling up to capacity. Almost one-third of Florida children have tested positive for the coronavirus. Even California has let infections slip upward. The White House plans to kill the messenger, which may or may not really work, but it should give some lunatics a foothold.
Have you noticed that Donald Trump doesn’t spread out the electoral map for everyone to gaze upon, anymore? In fact, Trump’s setting records for bad news polling in just about every category. Republicans are even embarrassed to be Republicans anymore. Joe Biden’s polls have passed 50% as Joe opens up an 11 point national lead, 14 points with seniors! But you know what? It would be so much like Trump to just win anyhow, just to troll everybody… So, keep up the effort, and find ways to add to the lead. Don’t pretend you’re 10 points down, run like you are in the final sprint for a win.
Wed, 15 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin hope you have had the balmiest of St. Swithun’s Days today.
You know that nightmare where you’re back at school, but you’re only wearing underwear and you’re about to transmit a debilitating disease to your mom? Same! Texas teachers are living the nightmare, writing out their wills before the fall. Voters do not support forcing schools to open. Voters do not support Gop Governors handling of COVID-19. Voters do not support Gop Senators handling of COVID-19. Voters do not support Donald Trump’s handling of anything.
Israelis have already reopened their schools and have a lot to teach us about how we should not be reopening our schools.
COVID-19 deaths are jumping up in those states that you might have guessed would be especially susceptible, even if you made your guess a hundred years ago or so. Decedents of the Confederate states still hiding out in Brazil like antebellum cosplay, coronavirus infections, and no-mask freedoms about as much as their red state cousins.
Those who have worked at the CDC assure us that no president has ever politicized science the way Trump has. The CDC hasn’t seen nothing yet, and if Trump gets his way, never will. If you can think of a way Donald Trump could care less, drop him a note, he might be interested in that. Otherwise, he is laser-focused on two objectives: watching the world burn, and burning the world, and he isn’t about to leave until he is finished. Donald Trump is finished, by the way. The nickname Donald can call Smiling, Uncle, Cup o’ Joe Biden is “Winning”.
Coronavirus might be transmitted to you in the air, 2 days after an infected person was in the area. Scientists aren’t sure if it can open doors or use a weapon, yet. One thing is certain, Kanye West can’t save us now.
Tue, 14 July 2020
The Trump “administration” has left the schools, like everybody else, twisting in the wind, and just winging it with their plans for the fall. Will they be defunded? Or will they get even more funding? Or are they just offering “more funding” so they can take that funding away and call it defunding? Why bother finding out? Let’s just have chaos and burn all our money!
Of course, we could all go back to what we were doing if there was a vaccine. But what if there was a vaccine, but no little glass bottles to put them in? Or what if there was a vaccine and lots of little bottles, but no syringes to inject them with? Don’t sweat it! Trump’s giving the contract to make hundreds of millions of syringes to two companies who don’t make syringes, or have never made anywhere near so many. (Oh, and we still don’t know if there really is immunity to be had, or how long it lasts.)
Trump and paperwork, man! Judge Amy Berman Jackson heard the news about Stone’s commutation of sentence, but she demanded to see the paper. It might (maybe) just do the trick, but of course, it was a little hinky.
Did you lose your job during the COVID-19 pandemic? Ivanka Trump says you should find a new one. Why didn’t we think of that?
Trump sentences himself to 10 years in prison. (Ten bucks says he screws up his own pardon.)
Joan McCarter dropped by to assure us that all is pretty much as expected. That is, the enhanced Unemployment Insurance program barely keeping people afloat (if that) during the pandemic is set to expire in just 11 days. And Congress isn’t coming back for another five. Meanwhile, that other program meant to keep people afloat isn’t doing the trick, either.
A lot of us are having difficulty keeping ourselves occupied during our social distancing. But not Portland, OR! They’re fully occupied. And soon, hospitals around the country can look forward to the same!
Mon, 13 July 2020
Did you hear the latest on KITM today? You didn’t? Well, no one did, because the live feed didn’t make it on the air today. Not to worry, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin record all of this stuff, and are happy to share!
Donald Trump told you that the 15 coronavirus cases in the US would be down to zero, and so far he’s been absolutely correct. On Sunday, Florida alone reported 15,300 new cases in one day. There will be plenty more cases and more denials to come. There will never be a second wave if this one doesn’t go away. Some are catching COVID-19 for a second time already. Some will catch it more times than that. Some only needed to catch it one time.
Oh wait, there is a welcome wave carving through the sunbelt… a huge blue wave! It’s sweeping through individual states and across the big beautiful electoral college map. People have preferred to identify as “non-racist”, “non-lunatic”, and “non-moronic” lately. In fact, that Washington football team also decided to not identify “that way” anymore, after 87 years, following a similar moral epiphany.
Fri, 10 July 2020
There might be some that think we’re getting over the COVID-19 pandemic. Those people don’t live in the sunbelt… or if they do, they may not for long. Arizona Is #1! (Bahrain Is #4) But don’t count out South Carolina, or Mississippi, or Georgia, or Texas, or Florida, all contending for Hell on Earth status this weekend. David Waldman crunches the numbers into fine... bleak, depressing… granules.
68% have shown coronavirus antibodies in a Queens clinic. Data like that could have been useful, had Sweden recorded it at their schools. Right now, we can only guess the number of children and teachers we would need to kill, before we can get back to normal. A Christian summer camp pre-infected 82 of their kids before their start of school.
A new "unknown pneumonia" that is potentially deadlier than the novel coronavirus has reportedly killed more than 1,700 people this year in the Central Asian country of Kazakhstan. Then there’s the plague.
In non-pandemic news:
Some in Portsmouth, N.H., feared that if they held a Trump rally, Donald Trump might show up at it. Whoop! It was already canceled do to “weather concerns”… (They were concerned “weather” people would actually attend, heh.)
Justice keeps prevailing. Michael Flynn, spy, hasn’t quite escaped yet. Deutsche Bank has been fined $150 million when departed billionaire Jeffrey Epstein inspired New York courts to follow the money. Donald Trump has lost a couple of times in the Supreme Court on revealing his taxes, but that isn’t the game he’s playing. Trump tried to take out future Colonel Alexander Vindman, but failed. Oklahoma hoped to steal land from Native Americans, but could not.
Thu, 9 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin present another KITM Back-to-School special:
Elementary schools, renown for their history of ringworm and lice infection mitigation, will be expected to tackle COVID-19 on about the same budget. Donald Trump loves schools like a father loves a son—happy to see them die if they doesn’t follow his orders, and if Trump has told you .01 times, he’s told you a million times, he’s just not up to this.
Republicans, immune to shame, will not be explaining how your kids will stay healthy this school year. The American Academy of Pediatrics informs us that it’s easy, once we first eliminate coronavirus. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines are TLDR! for Donald, and so the CDC intends to remove the hard stuff and add some compliments. Dr. Anthony Fauci shows us that Trump doesn’t have to fire people he can ignore. Dr. Trump also reminds us that while testing is a known cause of COVID-19, fake testing will allow hydroxychloroquine to cure COVID-19. Scientists have seen evidence of brain damage and hallucinations with even mild Covid-19 Coronavirus infection, but can’t really explain how Trump has displayed symptoms for so long.
Schools in non-Trump countries have been more successful.
New Jersey will require people to wear masks outdoors. Mississippi legislators have discovered just how democratic pandemics can be. The Houston convention center canceled the Republican Party of Texas' in-person convention, giving attendees only days to talk their kids into turning on their computers.
Jared Kushner thought he could kick back a few months on replenishing masks and PPE, but it turns out that this son-in-law gig was a lot tougher and longer than he anticipated. Most of the White House nepotism hires feel Jared’s pain. DC staffing is so inbred because conservatives simply have no chance of finding anyone to mate with.
Never take for granted some rural voters hatred of Donald Trump.
Wed, 8 July 2020
David Waldman and Greg Dworkin go there today! (Following correct safety protocols, of course.)
Attention, students, parents and teachers wishing to open schools safely, Donald Trump hears you. All except for the “safely” part. Trump only listens to statements phrased in the form of a compliment. And, well, safety reminds Donald of condoms, and you know how he feels about that.
For those wondering why so many cases and so few deaths - give it a minute, the hospitals have just turned down their sheets. Meanwhile, churches are hellholes. Prisons are too, for both the thin blue line, and the ICE blue lines. Get out and protest though, you’ll do fine. Montana alerts manly men to their many manly mask options.
As for the election, Donald Trump does have a few more enthusiastic supporters... for some reason, but he also has many more enthusiastic haters, for obvious reasons. Actually, every shred of evidence points to Trump having his ass kicked. Joe Biden is looking pretty electable lately. The more Trump loses, the more desperate he will become, however. Who knows what crazy scheme he will try next? We do know what Republicans will attempt with any Democratic Vice Presidential candidate, because that is what has worked so well for them so many times before.
On their last date, back in March, Donald Trump gave the country of Brazil a super-nasty case of the Rona. The one positive thing to come out of it all was fellow lunatic autocrat Jair Bolsonaro’s coronavirus test results. Don’t worry, Donald’s hooked him up with the good stuff.
Fireworks will blow your head off, but they will never lie to you. Guns... you just can’t trust. Oh, they’ll tell you they’ll protect you, through thick and thin… even if you happen to be the dumbest son of a bitch in a Florida Costco, they’ll still stick by you. Then, one day (the one moment your buddy lines up with the barrel) Bang—the gun and your buddy aren’t your friend anymore. A guy shooting a gopher bagged a golfer. So close! And, a woman’s gun shot her right in the waterpark! Ow!
Tue, 7 July 2020
David Waldman welcomes Tuesday, and Joan McCarter and you and me to KITM:
One day, we won’t have to learn how to pronounce Ayn Rand correctly. Unfortunately, today is not that day. The Ayn Rand Institute, along with the Grover Norquist Group, are paid to be opponents of federal spending, and of course showed up right at the front of the Paycheck Protection Program line.
Florida has announced that it will dispatch public K-12 schools into the maw of coronavirus by August. Donald Trump will describe his easy, one-step method tonight. But you know teachers—always asking questions! About the safety and well-being of their students, their families, themselves, who is responsible, where the materials and money are coming from, etc. Mitch McConnell tells them not to worry, no one important will get in trouble.
Therefore, unless Melania has something to add, the discussion should be short. After all, COVID-19, like a miracle, has almost disappeared. At least the testing has... which is almost as good? In fact, medical PPE has already vanished, again. This should give Donald more time to address the Black problem. About the time Donald Trump learned to talk, he’s been asking why Black people haven’t been more thankful, but still hasn’t received a satisfactory answer. Maybe soon!
People of color are getting much more than their fair share of coronavirus. Dozens of pistachio plant workers are Infected with COVID-19. It would be a lot more, but the others have been fired. A bipartisan handful of lawmakers are pushing a rescue package apart from the Paycheck Protection Program, reconfigured to specifically aid Black-owned businesses. Banks are tired of giving out COVID-19 loans, and would prefer Congress offer more focused direct grants.
Meanwhile, 40 Trump-connected lobbyists, including five former administration officials, are splitting $10 billion in coronavirus aid from the federal government.
Mon, 6 July 2020
Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us complex answers to complex questions. That is, after all why we tune in to them for a couple of hours. (Actually, 1:58:45.)
Donald Trump is pretty simple. He’s a racist, he’s going to appeal to racists. You would think that there would not be enough racists to make that work. You would hope so. Fear and resentment has been a solid strategy for Trump, but probably not this time... Probably not. That is partly because coronavirus is skyrocketing right where Trump’s supporters live, which is no coincidence. The pandemic is hitting Donald right in his big beautiful electoral map. COVID-19 has chased the Republicans from Charlotte to Jacksonville to rout them out again.
We don’t have all of the dumb people in the world, it just seems that way. Understanding why COVID cases increase as deaths are decrease is as simple as understanding Simpson’s Paradox, regression to the mean, and conversely, regression to the tail. It also helps to understand the difference between equality and equity in contact tracing protocols. Listen, just follow the expert advice, whenever you can find some.
Fri, 3 July 2020
David Waldman wishes you a KITM Happy 3rd of July! Think you’re patriotic? Donald Trump is already out there celebrating, his orange hide gently flowing in the breeze like an American flag. Soon, he’ll be off to Mount Rushmore, to celebrate the liberation of the surrounding pine forests, joined by thousands of tightly packed free-mouth-breathing patriots. After all, isn’t it Jefferson who required the tree of liberty to be refreshed at times by the blood of our friends and neighbors? Herman Cain sends his regrets, as he will not be able to attend this year. The world realizes we are kind of dumb, and is pretty certain they don’t want to catch it. We might be stupid, but we’re well fed.
A professional football team has been asked to change their stupid name ever since the moment they came up with their stupid name. This time, it’s FedEx asking, and they’re not asking. Cleveland, Ohio came up with the perfect solution in 1889… but then went with their stupid name.
If it is possible to find a more cynical, racist, misogynistic, sociopathic sneering troll than Donald Trump, Republicans will run him for President in 2024. And Trump will beg him, tears running down his eyes, choking like a dog, to save him in 2020.
The White House hired an Islamophobic conspiracy theorist for a Defense Department job, because those are the kind of people that they prefer. Clint Lorance was convicted of murder in 3 hours, 14 of his own men testified against him, and Donald Trump pardoned him, because Clint is the kind of guy he likes. Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is not Donald’s kind of guy, so Senator Tammy Duckworth is standing up for him.
A New York Court blocked Donald Trump’s niece from publishing her “tell-all” book. Ah, but now a New York appellate judge now says she can. Whatever. It’s already a best seller. That’s Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, by Mary L. Trump Ph.D.
Thu, 2 July 2020
Things. They keep happening. And so, by necessity, does KITM. David Waldman and Greg Dworkin tell us about them:
Our Ventilator King this morning announced that the coronavirus (he calls it “Pocahontas” or something) is finally under control, or at least it would be if we had listened to him and wore a mask. We are at the largest 1-day total since the start of the pandemic. That is a 50% increase over last month. Following this surge in infections, is a surge in illness, followed by the inevitable surge in bad press for the Trump administration. It will take a lot of white power to dig Trump out of this hole!
We are almost back up to the unemployment level of the Great Recession. This, in fact, might be the peak. You can’t go to work if you can’t send your kids to school, and that really doesn’t seem likely.
If you aren’t panicking, you weren’t in New York City in April. One look at roadkill in the spring will tell you if college students would let a little COVID-19 interfere with their party plans.
Trump’s Russian bounty HOAX! is becoming more solid by the minute. Maybe we can fit a WITCH HUNT! in before November. Trump and Putin joined to make Afghanistan great again. The Taliban has always been open to making a ruble, or a buck, which makes them Donald’s kind of guys.
Donald Trump thinks property is something you bribe for. His administration just lent $700 million to a trucking company that was sued for ripping off taxpayers. They of course kicked him back a little.
Wed, 1 July 2020
Well, there’s the COVID-19 pandemic disaster, and the Russian bounty treason. Which HOAX! would you like to be addressed first? Republicans who did not want to look weak by wearing masks and then put them on months later, still look weak. The ones still refusing look like idiots. Therefore, many Republicans you will never see again, and the ones that have been left behind are looking more like crazy idiots. Crazy idiots do happen to be to be Donald Trump’s enthusiastic core supporters, but pandering to just them seems to be a lost cause. The public is not in the mood to play with Donald anymore.
Condoms and face masks will never get in the way of horny morons. Surging caseload spikes demand for testing, which could crash the supply train. Who needs a nasal swab though, when there’s so many angles to attack the situation?
Have a hard time choosing between Democracy and Autocracy? David suggests abolishing the legislative filibuster. You could also pack the courts while you’re at it. Joe Biden can learn a few things from Jimmy Carter. Who’s Joe Biden?